Description: This is a form of poetry called a pantoum
This Barren Place -------------------------------------------
You prance around this barren place
Marking your territory of a worthless pride
The words left calling behind hidden face
“Demonic martyr” you ignorantly decide
Marking your territory of a worthless pride
In a lions den not fit to feed the jackals
“Broken angel” they ignorantly decide
The bed you made contains your shackles
In a lions den not fit to feed the jackals
Your creative juices were checked at the door
The bed you made contains your shackles
Still you spew your words that regurgitate the bore
Your creative juices were checked at the door
The words left calling behind hidden face
Still you spew your words that regurgitate the bore
You prance around this barren place
Well, you know what? I'm going to try to critique this.
Pantoums seem much like villanelles to me, using interlocking quatrains with repeating lines instead of tercets. I prefer tercets myself as I think I've got a thing against rhyming quatrains. This also reminds me of sestinas because of your interlocking end words. I've done one, and one was enough as it did my head in.
Onto the poem at hand, though. This line:
"Still you spew your words that regurgitate the bore"
--"regurgitate the bore"? The inverted syntax of this got me somewhat. Seems like you could play with this line a bit as it comes off as too lengthy. Also, I'm not sure if "regurgitate" fits, in my opinion.
Several of your lines here seem too mechanical to me. Yes, I know it's to do with conforming to the rhyming scheme, but overall, when the lines are taken separately, they fail to enthuse me. For instance:
"Marking your territory of a worthless pride"
--Again, the syntax of some of your lines could be tightened to be more smooth to the ear, I think. Obviously, your call, as I'm just stating what I think.
In regards to your little experiment here, I personally think it's hilarious. You have stepped on a few toes though... arrogance isn't very nice, you know. I guess... if you'd actually gone a bit more indepth explaining why something didn't work, and gave examples and suggestions, people might've taken to that a bit nicer. Obviously, you were trying to get people's feathers ruffled, which worked. It doesn't with me as I find little snarky comments indicative of the writer's state of mind, nothing more. I guess this seems like I'm being both defensive and offensive at once, but really, I'm just saying "if you're going to comment on/critique my work, back yourself up with examples and suggestions." Otherwise... no thanks.
People are easy to bait. I think that's what you've found out with this experiment of yours. I'm a fan of them myself... great fun. But come on, man... even the best writer started off really bad... at least give people of a lower calibre than you a bit of a positive push... instead of being an overbearing twat (as evidence, your page says all that it needs to for me).
Sorry for the rant... but I thought I'd chip in my two and a half cents.
Peace,
Jase
P.S. There should be an apostrophe for "lion's".
P.P.S. I can give a more indepth critique on this piece and others if you like. Seriously. Just to show that people here on Elite can, and definitely do. You just haven't met or read the right people yet, it seems.
I recognize the form, though I've never tried it. I'm not sure I like it that well with all the repetitive lines but you did a pretty fine job in putting it all together.
As for the subject.. well.. I guess you got your point across :)
I look foward to reading more of your work.
Sigh... I get it, but... it still sucks. It's easy to prove people suck, it's harder to prove that you don't. Perhaps I was stupid to hope for something... more.
That's an interesting form. Too many standards for me. I think this would be a million times better if you had 1.) A better flow and 2.) A different format.
Submission Name: This Barren Place
