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    dots Submission Name: whispersdots

    Author: jjd
    ASL Info:    20/male/Griffin, Ga.
    Elite Ratio:    2.18 - 20/78/34
    Words: 82
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1331
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 597


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Hear my whispers,
    See my breath.
    Feel the beating,
    Beneath my chest.
    Close your eyes,
    Kiss my lips.
    Tell me,
    Can you handle this?
    Just one touch,
    It makes me melt.
    Lost in your heart,
    Is how I felt?
    Take my hand,
    Take my heart.
    You've made me whole,
    From the start.
    Give me that stare,
    Don't you speak?
    Show me your smile,
    That makes me weak.
    Say you love me,
    Let it show.
    now because of you,
    I'm complete

    Submitted on 2007-06-05 18:05:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      JOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is liz...this is my favorite!!!!!!!! LOVE IT MAN!!!!!!!!!!
    | Posted on 2009-07-12 00:00:00 | by ShadowGaze | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. I change my mind. This is my new favorite of yours. The rhyming was perfect and flowed very well. It wasn't forced at all.

    Lost in your eyes,
    Is how I felt?

    This didn't really make any sense. You weren't asking a question, or at least that would be my first instinct.

    Say you love me,
    Let it show.
    Cause baby for you,
    I'm whole.

    Also this, going with the rhyme scheme, it would make more sense to say

    Cause baby for you,
    I am whole

    Instead of I'm. All in all, a great read/write. Good work with the grammar!!!
    | Posted on 2008-01-17 00:00:00 | by Draumrkopa | [ Reply to This ]
      wow! That's awesome, i can't even get my thoughts together enough for something half that good.
    | Posted on 2007-12-18 00:00:00 | by amanda99737 | [ Reply to This ]
      Like other people have said, this write is good, and flows pretty well. But yes, it does need some polishing.
    Now, on to the critique...

    "Hear my whispers,
    See my breath.
    Feel the beating,
    Beneath my chest."
    This is a great beginning, it definately made me want to read on, which is a good sign. I wouldn't change it.

    "Close your eyes,
    Kiss my lips.
    Tell me,
    Can you handle this?"
    This is a little bit cliché, but it flows nicely, and works within the piece as a whole. So, you don't really need to change anything here.

    "Just one touch,
    It makes me melt.
    Lost in your eyes,
    Is how I felt?"
    To be honest, I didn't like this one at all. I think this section is the one that needs the most revision. I didn't like the "Lost in your eyes, Is how I felt"... I think that should be changed.

    "Take my hand,
    Take my heart.
    You've made me whole,
    From the start."
    This one is better than the one before it, but still needs some work. I didnt really like the "Heart and Start" rhyme. But yes, it is ok.

    "Give me that stare,
    Don't you speak?
    Show me your smile,
    That makes me weak."
    I think this section needs to be changed around a bit... maybe like this:

    Give me the stare,
    That makes me weak.
    Show me the smile,
    dont you speak.

    That is just a suggestion, you don't necessarily have to take it on board. It can be left as is, and still be good.

    "Say you love me,
    Let it show.
    Cause baby for you,
    I'm whole."
    This section does need a quick revsision...
    Instead of "I'm" in the last line, change it to I am... It just flows better that way. there are a few other words that could be changed to make it flow easier aswell.

    Good luck, and I hope that this has been some help to you. This one is fairly good, you don't have to take any of my suggestions. You could leave it as is, and it will still be ok. It's up to you.

    | Posted on 2007-08-16 00:00:00 | by seriouscutter19 | [ Reply to This ]
      it's ok, but it needs some work, some of the rhythm is off, and so is some of the punctuation, you have '?'s and things in places where you don't need them and some of the rhyming is kinda cliché (hate that word but there it is

    if you did a little polishing on it it would be great
    | Posted on 2007-08-04 00:00:00 | by PryncessVynom | [ Reply to This ]
      This sounds great out loud and thats what makes poetry great so its great.
    | Posted on 2007-06-09 00:00:00 | by justwantedtosay | [ Reply to This ]
      i really like this. It feels like it really flows. i like it alot actually.
    | Posted on 2007-06-09 00:00:00 | by save me | [ Reply to This ]
      wow. i really like this. I can't find anything wrong with it. keep it up. . .
    | Posted on 2007-06-07 00:00:00 | by Jessica Lynn | [ Reply to This ]

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