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    dots Submission Name: Desert routedots

    Author: maltestrauss
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 6/3/4
    Words: 257
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 844
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1614

       A drive throug Nevada inspired this. Death Valley with its sheer endless space around is pretty amazing. It is had to put that in words. I tried to at least capture some thoughts and impressions I had.

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    dotsDesert routedots

    The desert plain divided by
    an asphalt band so thin and shy.
    Where will it take me up today?
    How will it turn or change my way?
    It seems to be ahead of you
    and always there when you pass through
    The giant snake in velvet gray
    is chasing down mysterious pray.
    Not certain if it has an end
    or if it leads to no man's land.
    But if you stop and wait at best
    a single moment. Take a rest
    to close your eyes and free your mind.
    In total silence you may find
    that others also passed this place
    a desert spot in perfect grace
    were riding through the sandy dale
    or left some footprints on the trail
    You almost hear their hoof beats sound,
    so vital seems the ancient ground.
    The residue of sunny heat
    Is flooding slow around your feet
    and dessert flowers colorful
    are calling birds and bees while dull
    a lonely trav'lling tumbleweed
    is crossing fast the empty street
    to leave the desert trail, hold still
    and start to run again, uphill.
    The silent runner vanish as
    he climbs the hill and when he pass
    the highest point, to leave you here
    among the lonely troubling fear
    of loosing life, the world and all
    the other things, that you may call
    important in your struggled mind,
    but facing nature you may find
    that nothing can be equal to
    the natures beauty and not you
    or anyone can copy thee
    so endless stunning sandy sea.

    Submitted on 2007-06-05 18:23:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      THanks for the suggestions. On this one I thought I have to stick to the end rhyme to make it work. Lately I am experimenting with some poems that do not stick too strict to a scheme. I will post them when I have reveiwed them later. I appreciate to comment with the rhyme schem and using it at the beginning. I do not want to sound too much like Dr Seuss. Thanks
    | Posted on 2007-06-06 00:00:00 | by maltestrauss | [ Reply to This ]
      Looking at your poems, you're very big on nature, short simple sentences and images and end of sentence rhyme. That's fine for a while and if that's how you feel best then go for it. However if you want to shake things up a little maybe try more internal rhyme rather than at the end of lines, or begin the next line on a rhyme now and again. When you use rhyme in the same ways all the time it loses effect and retains the childlike qualities I mentioned before, which can be used to great effect but need more restraint.

    If you are quite new to poetry then these things will come with time as you read and write more and play with words. If you aren't new then this site will definitely help you to branch out.

    On this poem in particular... I've never been to Death Valley (or the US for that matter) but you paint the picture of it well for me here with the colourful desert flowers and thin layer of asphalt. Thanks for the read.
    | Posted on 2007-06-06 00:00:00 | by Predator | [ Reply to This ]

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