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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: writers blockdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DontLetGo421
    Elite Ratio:    2.18 - 118/238/141
    Words: 31
    Class/Type: Poetry/Venting
    Total Views: 737
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 205



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotswriters blockdots
    -------------------------------------------


    throw me out lonely and cold

    this whole charade has become so old

    you've left me alone to carry no meaning

    you've become the depth behind my screaming




    Submitted on 2007-06-05 18:58:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is a pretty well-written short, but it seems the last two lines throw it off because they don't fit the style of the first two. Maybe you should try something of this sort...


    throw me out lonely and cold

    this whole charade is becoming old

    you've left me alone to carry no meaning

    you are the depth behind my screaming


    I've shortened the last two, leaving out the parts that don't necessarily contribute heavily to the poem. Therefore, allowing the flow to continue smoothly while still showing emotion.

    Also, I changed "all so" to "becoming" because it seems to flow better as well.

    These are just suggestions and not harsh criticisms, because you have written a poem that has a lot of potential. And growing to that potential is what these comments are meant for.

    Keep writing,

    Samantha
    | Posted on 2007-06-05 00:00:00 | by sunsetserenity | [ Reply to This ]


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