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writers block

Author: DontLetGo421
Elite Ratio:    2.18 - 118 /238 /141
Words: 31
Class/Type: Poetry /Venting
Total Views: 1059
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 205


writers block

throw me out lonely and cold

this whole charade has become so old

you've left me alone to carry no meaning

you've become the depth behind my screaming

Submitted on 2007-06-05 18:58:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  This is a pretty well-written short, but it seems the last two lines throw it off because they don't fit the style of the first two. Maybe you should try something of this sort...

throw me out lonely and cold

this whole charade is becoming old

you've left me alone to carry no meaning

you are the depth behind my screaming

I've shortened the last two, leaving out the parts that don't necessarily contribute heavily to the poem. Therefore, allowing the flow to continue smoothly while still showing emotion.

Also, I changed "all so" to "becoming" because it seems to flow better as well.

These are just suggestions and not harsh criticisms, because you have written a poem that has a lot of potential. And growing to that potential is what these comments are meant for.

Keep writing,

| Posted on 2007-06-05 00:00:00 | by sunsetserenity | [ Reply to This ]

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