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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I listened to the heatdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lolavie
    ASL Info:    23/female/Michigan
    Elite Ratio:    3.26 - 70/175/103
    Words: 43
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 929
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 297



    Description:
       Just thought ya liked to know its about an orgasm..hehe..just thought ya like to know lol


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI listened to the heatdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I tried though depressed
    deadline approaching
    tick to tock
    shout to whisper

    To just hear the sound
    of silence cry
    soft to loud
    loud to ____.

    It made me realize
    that love is cold
    warm to hot
    hot to silent




    Submitted on 2004-06-15 21:21:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Interpretation: Well we've been given one and ya it works, but I like to be difficult so I'll add one or two more on top of it anyway.

    First, the old saying "the heat of the moment" comes to mind, combined with the title "I listened to the heat" and of course the connotations of heat, be it lust, anger, and so on. With that in mind...

    Obviously, the girl is not satisfied, but I'll go so far to say as that doesn't preclude the existence of a sexual orgasm. Indeed I think to put it up a notch, the orgasm happens but the expectations do not.

    Love IS divorced from sensation, while one may pull and call out for the other, they are of separate energies in the universe.

    So in this really odd construct I am building (bear with me) the deadline is the approach of an orgasm that does occur. And the person is hoping that their heart is uplifted with it, but while the pull is there it is but illusory, sex does not build up love (and sometimes it is or should be that the reverse is similarly true).

    So there is level two, it is about an orgasm being seen as a key to something more.

    Now level three, making it physical again, on top of level two. While one person in this tryst is having an orgasm and feeling it, they are watching the other and want to see the same for them. They are not looking for it to 'ratify' their love, but are simply in the business to 'satisfy' their love, they are only at it because love dragged them there. They hope love will bring the physical sensation in this case, even if they are incapable. (so lets call this the level of impotence)

    Level four, and here I'll call it the summit, they both have an orgasm, but one is dwelling on being able to detect it in the other. They want that person to express it, to yell it out, just so they can know the love is also not silent. And that other person doesn't, and it is taken as a sign. (climb this tree higher, both are doing this, but I'll refrain from an infinite loop here)

    So feedback:
    Tried though depressed is great, but I like it without the I. Because then the more devilish of us can assume its not just one person trying because they were depressed.

    I'll be a mechanics nazi for once, you have tick to tock, shout to whisper, I think you should make the second line go from tock to something. The perverted side of course has its suggestions I'll refrain from.

    To just hear the sound
    of silence cry

    +

    It made me realize
    that love is cold

    =

    Reason I think, despite the last stanza being about temperature, that you should use the word 'dry'. Inserts an entire other set of imagery into it with one word, even though it may seem inconsistent. However, it goes from hot to silent as well, which links sound mentioned earlier, the dry/cry rhyme creates a linkage, and really dry goes with warm and hot as well (again I'm walking the lines of G-rated I know).

    Just possibilities, not deficiencies.
    | Posted on 2004-06-16 00:00:00 | by DocJonathan | [ Reply to This ]
      Sorry, I ran your views up artificially high, but the system wouldn't let me comment on anything, and I liked this enough to keep trying.
    | Posted on 2004-06-16 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      I REALLY like this. I found "the deadline" self-explanatory, but that may only be a "girl thing." I like how this isn't obvious (Poems about orgasms tend to be) or smutty.
    | Posted on 2004-06-16 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree, I like the intelligence and creativity that you give this piece. "I tried though depressed
    deadline approaching
    tick to tock
    shout to whisper" I love this opening stanza! Nicely done. :)
    | Posted on 2004-06-15 00:00:00 | by Belle De Jour | [ Reply to This ]
      This one is a mind stir. At first I wasn't "feeling" it, but the end made me go back and read it again. I really love synesthesis(mixing of the senses). I love the word itself, and I love the use of it. You have an interesting progression, but I'm not sure the thoughts connect well enough. The more I read, the more I like it. I'd like to know what the deadline is. I think I know where you're going in the second stanza, but I'm not sure. Maybe you could explain to me. I enjoyed reading
    | Posted on 2004-06-15 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ]


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