Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sleepwalkingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mieko
    Elite Ratio:    3.98 - 253/209/99
    Words: 57
    Class/Type: Prose/Misc
    Total Views: 951
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 408



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSleepwalkingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Dull, gray, lifeless
    A person's eyes
    As you watch, you see a light-
    and at first, it's brilliant...
    and then it just
    Escapes.

    Sleepwalking,
    eyes half closed,
    Or are they half open?

    A letter, a written piece of
    pure madness.
    Un-edited thoughts.


    How I wish I had kept them.




    Submitted on 2007-06-06 01:19:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This speaks with profound sadness. It seems that an unappreciated loved one has passed on to their eternal resting and this is the lament. The imagery is truly, I hate to use the word but, beautiful. The light slowly fading from the eyes and wish that the character had held on to any even seemingly insignificant piece of the person who was gone.
    I hope that this isn't autobiographical or that my interpretation is completely and utterly wrong, but these are the feelings you've mangaged to evoke. If that was your intent, you've succeeded.
    This is a well written piece. I applaud your style and your honest portrayal of the human psyche. The other comments suggest that this is incomplete, I think it stands strongly as is; if you do add more though, please keep me updated.
    | Posted on 2008-09-15 00:00:00 | by bentnotbroken | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with Ash. It's a great start, but it left me wanting to hear something more from it. Its like opening a candy bar only to lick it then place it on the ground. It has the potential to be something amazing but it only seems like a beginning.
    | Posted on 2007-12-19 00:00:00 | by lovedeathsdeath | [ Reply to This ]
      this strikes me to be a butterfly of an idea... one that is fleeting and graspable but i am left wishing it had stayed longer and/or opened its wings more...

    sleepwalking...
    not something ive tried [though i did grab the bathroom mat while very close to asleep and put it beside my bed to be my royal carpet]

    i think you could add more detail to this idea. more imagery and substance because right now it seems like you are just telling the reader how it is.
    if i were to write about sleepwalking i would try to make the piece so that it had the feeling that the reader was sleepwalking through it... so that when they got to the end they werent sure how they got there and would have to go to the beginning and try to work it out [and thus it would be a never ending circle which would reinforce the point even if using confusion as a vehicle...]

    i think this could be more but its your call.
    | Posted on 2007-10-22 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Is the glass half full or half empty...the eternal question expressed differently here....it seems to always depend upon our various moods.... bravo... bravo ... bravo ... I liked it muchly
    | Posted on 2007-06-12 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
      its very um well unfinished as you staed before you should def reformat this...the imagery is good. yet it is lose and not a solid piece just yet. keep workin on it kid.
    | Posted on 2007-06-06 00:00:00 | by SincerWritinAsh | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    144276

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The World written by jjd
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    untitled written by Outlaw
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry