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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sleepwalkingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mieko
    Elite Ratio:    3.98 - 253/209/99
    Words: 57
    Class/Type: Prose/Misc
    Total Views: 975
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 408



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSleepwalkingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Dull, gray, lifeless
    A person's eyes
    As you watch, you see a light-
    and at first, it's brilliant...
    and then it just
    Escapes.

    Sleepwalking,
    eyes half closed,
    Or are they half open?

    A letter, a written piece of
    pure madness.
    Un-edited thoughts.


    How I wish I had kept them.




    Submitted on 2007-06-06 01:19:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This speaks with profound sadness. It seems that an unappreciated loved one has passed on to their eternal resting and this is the lament. The imagery is truly, I hate to use the word but, beautiful. The light slowly fading from the eyes and wish that the character had held on to any even seemingly insignificant piece of the person who was gone.
    I hope that this isn't autobiographical or that my interpretation is completely and utterly wrong, but these are the feelings you've mangaged to evoke. If that was your intent, you've succeeded.
    This is a well written piece. I applaud your style and your honest portrayal of the human psyche. The other comments suggest that this is incomplete, I think it stands strongly as is; if you do add more though, please keep me updated.
    | Posted on 2008-09-15 00:00:00 | by bentnotbroken | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with Ash. It's a great start, but it left me wanting to hear something more from it. Its like opening a candy bar only to lick it then place it on the ground. It has the potential to be something amazing but it only seems like a beginning.
    | Posted on 2007-12-19 00:00:00 | by lovedeathsdeath | [ Reply to This ]
      this strikes me to be a butterfly of an idea... one that is fleeting and graspable but i am left wishing it had stayed longer and/or opened its wings more...

    sleepwalking...
    not something ive tried [though i did grab the bathroom mat while very close to asleep and put it beside my bed to be my royal carpet]

    i think you could add more detail to this idea. more imagery and substance because right now it seems like you are just telling the reader how it is.
    if i were to write about sleepwalking i would try to make the piece so that it had the feeling that the reader was sleepwalking through it... so that when they got to the end they werent sure how they got there and would have to go to the beginning and try to work it out [and thus it would be a never ending circle which would reinforce the point even if using confusion as a vehicle...]

    i think this could be more but its your call.
    | Posted on 2007-10-22 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Is the glass half full or half empty...the eternal question expressed differently here....it seems to always depend upon our various moods.... bravo... bravo ... bravo ... I liked it muchly
    | Posted on 2007-06-12 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
      its very um well unfinished as you staed before you should def reformat this...the imagery is good. yet it is lose and not a solid piece just yet. keep workin on it kid.
    | Posted on 2007-06-06 00:00:00 | by SincerWritinAsh | [ Reply to This ]


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