Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Closing Time on the Dancefloordots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Predator
    ASL Info:    21/m/Derbyshire, England
    Elite Ratio:    7.02 - 257/198/73
    Words: 52
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1036
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 355



    Description:
       I don't really think it needs a description. It ends... kind of abruptly but it feels right to me.
    Thanks for reading


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsClosing Time on the Dancefloordots
    -------------------------------------------


    Sickly, slyly, sweetly,
    Dryly drinking from deep cups.
    Staring blankly at strobe lights
    And girls who ignite passions with their hips and their smiles.
    A dancefloor for two
    Sinfully dipping into liquor and deep brown eyes,
    Hazy with smoke and deep brown tears,
    And clouded by love on broken lips.




    Submitted on 2007-06-06 05:20:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      HI Craig,

    Are you old enough to go to clubs? LOL
    I think for the most part you present a very clear picture here. Reminds me of a country song -- "The Girls All Get Prettier at Closing Time." Haha.

    If it were mine, which it isn't, I would take out two words - the second "their" in line four, and "Sinfully." Let the reader come to that judgement on his own - or not.

    Also a slight nitpick about a consistenecy problem: You mention the girls (plural) but then mention a dancefloor for two, which I assume means only ONE girl and you. I could see it if you were writing about finding the one girl across the room, your eyes lock on each other and everythign else in the room disappears, blah, blah, blah - but that's not really the story you are telling here. Or is it?

    I liked your two opening lines a lot.

    Annie





    | Posted on 2007-06-12 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]
      The dancefloor is the place to make love with your clothes on...

    I love the drunken adjectives and the wonderful use of adverbs.

    I don't drink alcohol, but I can almost taste it on my lips in this poem.

    Superb work!
    | Posted on 2007-06-06 00:00:00 | by manwithnoname | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    144281

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    To Glow written by krs3332003
    untitled written by Chelebel
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Giving written by jjd
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Linger written by saartha
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    To written by SavedDragon
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry