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    dots Submission Name: Closing Time on the Dancefloordots

    Author: Predator
    ASL Info:    21/m/Derbyshire, England
    Elite Ratio:    7.02 - 257/198/73
    Words: 52
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1022
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 355

       I don't really think it needs a description. It ends... kind of abruptly but it feels right to me.
    Thanks for reading

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    dotsClosing Time on the Dancefloordots

    Sickly, slyly, sweetly,
    Dryly drinking from deep cups.
    Staring blankly at strobe lights
    And girls who ignite passions with their hips and their smiles.
    A dancefloor for two
    Sinfully dipping into liquor and deep brown eyes,
    Hazy with smoke and deep brown tears,
    And clouded by love on broken lips.

    Submitted on 2007-06-06 05:20:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      HI Craig,

    Are you old enough to go to clubs? LOL
    I think for the most part you present a very clear picture here. Reminds me of a country song -- "The Girls All Get Prettier at Closing Time." Haha.

    If it were mine, which it isn't, I would take out two words - the second "their" in line four, and "Sinfully." Let the reader come to that judgement on his own - or not.

    Also a slight nitpick about a consistenecy problem: You mention the girls (plural) but then mention a dancefloor for two, which I assume means only ONE girl and you. I could see it if you were writing about finding the one girl across the room, your eyes lock on each other and everythign else in the room disappears, blah, blah, blah - but that's not really the story you are telling here. Or is it?

    I liked your two opening lines a lot.


    | Posted on 2007-06-12 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]
      The dancefloor is the place to make love with your clothes on...

    I love the drunken adjectives and the wonderful use of adverbs.

    I don't drink alcohol, but I can almost taste it on my lips in this poem.

    Superb work!
    | Posted on 2007-06-06 00:00:00 | by manwithnoname | [ Reply to This ]

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