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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Widowerdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    27/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.05 - 230/385/134
    Words: 97
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 549
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 803



    Description:
       An effort to turn an old piece of prose into a poem. Just a fun little exercise. The prose is on my account, titled as 'Thoughts of a Widower.'


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Widowerdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The room is half void
    and half golden-red glory.
    A man lies in the wavering divide,
    spread like a lamb for slaughter,
    as light slips away, away, away
    from the scrabbling fingertips
    that run furrows into the carpet.

    In the corner, a crimson eye blinks
    as message twenty-three records
    before fading off into silence.
    She is dead, he thinks.
    She is dead, she is dead, she-
    He tries to stop thinking.
    (is dead she is dead she)

    Light slips away,
                      away,
                            away…




    Submitted on 2007-06-06 08:25:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I read the prose version, and I think this is much better. You've picked out just enough points to paint the scene. I would say the topic is much more suited to being a poem anyway, as although you do make some attempt in the prose piece to describe the circumstances leading up to this scene, you don't really tell a story as such.

    I like the detail about the messages stacking up on the answerphone. Also the way 'she is dead' continues repeating even after he tries to stop thinking.

    I am trying to find something constructive to say, but actually I don't think you should change this at all. So I'll just say well done.

    T x
    | Posted on 2007-06-07 00:00:00 | by tulip | [ Reply to This ]
      I doubt I fully understand this. I really like that - I don't like to feel like I get everything about a poem on first read so thank you.

    I really like the way the thought carries on in brackets mid-way through. It's a nice touch.

    However the 'lamb to slaughter' simile is a cliché that doesn't really feel like it fits. Unless there is some other reason why it is there (extra detail from the prose piece, for example) I don't think it works.

    Thank you for the read.
    | Posted on 2007-06-06 00:00:00 | by Predator | [ Reply to This ]


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