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    dots Submission Name: The Truth Revealeddots

    Author: Lord Bane
    ASL Info:    24/M/Isle of Wight, UK
    Elite Ratio:    2.26 - 40/81/50
    Words: 251
    Class/Type: Prose/Misc
    Total Views: 761
    Average Vote:    1.0000
    Bytes: 1548

       Spoiler warning: If you have read The Warplord Saga - The Prologue, this is much further on in the series. This is a big twist in the plot, so if you don't want to know, be careful. Apologies if it seems a bit terrible

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Truth Revealeddots

    He came round, finding himself chained to the wall in some darkened room. Stood not far away were demons, but not like anything he had seen before. Just as he was trying to make sense of it the massive doors to the room swung open. As the soldiers marched through, a strange hooded figure walked towards him, stopping a short distance from him.
    "Ah, True Chosen One, we meet at last. I've heard so much about you."
    "Then you have an advantage over me," John said. "I don't know who you are."
    "My apologies, how rude of me. My name is Bane, the master of all the creatures you see here, and soon to be ruler of this universe too."
    John stared in horror, this was who the messenger meant.
    "You can't win Bane. We have defeated your kind before, we can do it again."
    "I thought you might say that," he laughed. "I have one advantage though." He threw back his hood.
    John's heart skipped a beat, it was his old friend Shaun who looked back at him.
    "It can't be...he's dead."
    "Oh, I know I'm Bane, you know I'm Bane....your friends on the other hand don't. I can destroy them easily, and you won't be able to stop me. I hope you enjoy the show." He walked back out of the room the soldiers following him.
    John stared after him. Bane was right, unless he could escape and warn his friends, all havoc would break loose....
    To Be Continued

    Submitted on 2007-06-07 06:35:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      lol "all havoc would break loose" was a bit over the top don't you think? how many times have you heard that anyway? perhaps that was one part that should be worked on.

    are you writing this in bit and pieces? or are you simply choosing to show us whatever parts you feel need to be shown now?

    if i would have read the whole story up to this point, i'm sure i would have gasped at the revealing of shaun. but since i've no idea who shaun is, i can only hope that you've kept it a well hidden detail until this point.

    once again i think this is going to be a great story if you ever get around to writing all of it.

    just one small thing i would critique, and it's only a critique because i haven't read all of it and i'm not sure if you are going to describe them fully later or if you already have...but..

    Stood not far away were demons, but not like anything he had seen before

    usually when a line is written like this, it is followed by a description. you cannot tell us that they were like something you've never seen and then go on with the story.
    that is like going to an art museum and seeing a painting that is covered, and the only thing you can see is a sign over that says, the most unique piece ever painted...but you never get to see it.

    | Posted on 2008-07-24 00:00:00 | by was_i_ever_real | [ Reply to This ]
      Garbage. Delete account immediatly before you poison the minds of the easily impressioned youth with your horrible writing ability
    | Posted on 2007-06-12 00:00:00 | by John Jay Junior | [ Reply to This ]
      Pretty good so far dude. It's left me wanting to read more so you're off to a good start. Is this gonna be a full novel or a short story i wonder?

    | Posted on 2007-06-08 00:00:00 | by Jacoby | [ Reply to This ]

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