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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Caged Bird Singsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: throughmyvoice
    ASL Info:    19/f/US of A
    Elite Ratio:    3.63 - 69/113/51
    Words: 118
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 576
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 829



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Caged Bird Singsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    They condemn as they watch you


    The jury that never speaks


    Misshapen faces bleed and blur together


    As they murmur, blank heads bent together


    Reminders of all thatís lost


    Whispers writhe upon the breeze


    That drips from darkness in the basement


    And crawls with purposeósubtle stalker


    To lick up the dust in the attic


    Pandora is to be pitied


    Hell is the only one that weeps


    Except for my dry tears


    That drip onto the window pane


    Where a little bird sings


    Softly, sadly


    Caged away and tame




    Submitted on 2007-06-07 16:34:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      ha.
    when i saw the title i thought of franz kafka 'a cage went in search of a bird'


    anyways...
    i dont know whether you wrote this with double spacing on purpose or whether it just happened but i dont think it adds anything to your piece at all.
    if anything it makes it harder to read because concentration is stretched and therefore the meaning of the words is semi lost... well it is for me anyways...

    i think you should also think about adding a little punctuation in here... seperate phrases and ideas a little better.


    maybe you could flesh this out some.
    you have a couple of vague ideas in here that could be so much more. that you could create into more concrete images to paint a better picture for the reader to gain more perspective and understanding.

    Reminders of all thatís lost

    what is it that has been lost...?
    is it recoverable? findable?
    elaborate a little more...


    i guess... for me... i walk away from this piece thinking "at least the caged bird sings..."
    in the movie breakfast at tiffanys the main character is a girl who hardly has anything in her apartment but one thing she does have is a stuffed bird in a cage... i guess singing is better than stuffed... even if only minimally
    | Posted on 2007-07-02 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      this title at first made me thinl of maya angelou...

    yet this is a much different thing.


    te imagery and all i think from the first line mentioning 'jury' created an image of a smal;l delicate girl, sinking into the seat of the witness stand. a lawyer questioning her on events that have upheaved her life, and she whispering the answers...the truth becoming known.

    a very pretty pice and very well crafted.


    good luck and best wishes,

    ash.
    | Posted on 2007-06-07 00:00:00 | by SincerWritinAsh | [ Reply to This ]


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