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    dots Submission Name: Inopportune Metaphordots

    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    27/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.05 - 230/385/134
    Words: 117
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 534
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 999


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    dotsInopportune Metaphordots

    The stars, her mother once told her
    as she cocooned the girl in blankets
    and touched her flushed cheeks,
    Are the lights in God’s house.

    But how does he sleep?
    The girl whispered, too-bright
    eyes clinging to the night sky.

    He doesn’t, said the mother softly.
    He never rests. God watches
    all the time, to keep you safe.
    His love for us keeps him awake.

    Oh, she sighed. But then, Oh!
    The stars— that star, it went out.
    Another! They are turning off--

    No, shh.
    Long fingers run
    through sweat-tangled hair.

    Oh, the stars--

    Submitted on 2007-06-07 22:16:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This was a very beautiful poem and I disagree with UnderINK. I think it works just fine ending when it did.
    I dunno if its just me interpreting it completely off course but I got the idea that perhaps the 'stars' were like, I dunno people who believed in God and when they started going out it was people who stoped believing. Probably completely wrong there, but that was my initial thought.

    My only problem with the poem was when the girl's mother 'touched her flushed cheeks'. I don't feel that 'touched' is quite the right word, because I think it should seem more gentle and motherly-loving.

    I really enjoyed reading this. It was very creative and beautiful.
    | Posted on 2007-06-08 00:00:00 | by AteMyBackpack | [ Reply to This ]
      I feel like this could have been slightly longer and had a more profound ending (I see what you were trying to do, but I don't think you really achieved it here). I was really pulled in at the beginning, even though I don't believe in God. It's a comforting feeling to think that there's always someone there to watch over you when no one else is.
    | Posted on 2007-06-07 00:00:00 | by UnderINK | [ Reply to This ]

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