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unconscious


Author: longwinterdays
ASL Info:    21/F/WA
Elite Ratio:    4.99 - 204 /190 /64
Words: 154
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1523
Average Vote:    3.0000
Bytes: 940



Description:


I really never did believe that I could be this happy.....

God, please don't let it slip away


unconscious



Floating on a cloud with silver lining
Looking out over the crowd
I see the pain and the beauty
Of all these people that look so down

Sitting on thin air that surrounds you
I begin to think about that night
The one that replays in my head
With the amazing "I love You's" and getting over fights

Never in my life has this ever happened to me
I have never been in love
Not with someone so amazing
That was meant to be and sent from above

Only in dreams has this ever happened
Where I would fall asleep with you on my mind
I never thought that when I was conscious
Love like yours was one that I would find

Barely conscious I turn to look at you
Your arms rapped around me
I whisper the most beautiful words,
"I never dreamed that I could be this happy"




Submitted on 2007-06-07 23:26:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Looks like you posted this well over a year ago. I don't know if he's still the same one, but now may be a good time to review this with an eye towards making it a more original presentation. Remove some of the cliché's and write how you actually feel. Say it. how it feels for you, not how you think others want to hear it. Don't worry about rhyme or form, just say it in your words from inside of you. Once it's on paper, go over it, embellish it, make it clear, form it, rhyme it if you want to, and when you're done you'll have a beautiful poem.
What;s in this that is original and that you can salvage and build on is the part about "looking at the crowd / that looks down, also the part about the "thin air that surrounds you." Those two things are worth keeping, the rest has been said a million times over. Say it, but say it different, from something you feel inside.
God I hope I haven't hurt your feelings, but it is difficult to write how you feel when emotions are welling up in you. That's why I say that, now (a year or more later), is a good time to reshape this.
I hope this helps.

Phil
| Posted on 2008-12-24 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
  Very giddy-in-love. You put out your emotions quite beautifully, but perhaps a little too simply. The use of using clouds is a little cliché but it does give off a dream-like edge that works for the theme of this poem.

My main issue was that the flow was a bit off here and there. Try counting syllabals for each line and keeping lines to a certain amount. It really helps the flow.

Also, I'm not so keen on the use of the word 'pain'. The poem has this very sleepy, dreamlike quality but that word completely destroys this.

Hope I've been helpful in some way and have a nice day.
| Posted on 2007-06-08 00:00:00 | by AteMyBackpack | [ Reply to This ]
  I've been there before and I'm too much of a love cynic to comment on the subject without feeling like I'm attacking love or innocence or whatever so I'll stick to other stuff...

I think the rapped in the final stanza should be wrapped (if not, and it was some innovation, I apologise - some people get offended when you don't realise these things)

A few clichés here. I know its a clichéd subject but it doesn't mean you have to say it in the same ways as everyone else. Expand it. Open up to other ways of saying it. You know the stuff. Sent from above, clouds with silver lining, having her 'on your mind'.

The emotion is obviously there to make a great piece. If you craft it I'm sure you can. Thanks for the read.
| Posted on 2007-06-08 00:00:00 | by Predator | [ Reply to This ]


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