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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: What I've done....dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: redeemer
    ASL Info:    19/female/venus
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 85/93/58
    Words: 130
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 592
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1011



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhat I've done....dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Can't let go of what I used to have...
    Can't leave the people of my past...
    Can't stop the feelings I used to have...
    Can't breathe even when I gasp...

    Letting go...
    Doesn't get easier..
    Death...and...
    Love...
    Stay with you forever...
    Pain...
    Happiness...
    You can't forget...

    Letting go...
    Doesn't get easier...
    But maybe thats how it's supposed to happen...
    Maybe the things we go through....
    Is our own personal hell...

    Letting go...
    Refuses to happen...
    You will feel everything that you have ever been through...
    For the rest of your days...
    That is your punishment...
    That is your right as a human...
    That is your right as one of gods children...

    Spend your whole life...
    Reliving everything you've ever done...
    And spend eternity paying for it...




    Submitted on 2007-06-08 10:10:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The meaning of this was very deep with this theme of letting go and punishment.
    On of the things that really spoils this poem is that every line ends with '...'. Okay, so the three dots can be very effective, dramatic and kinda pushes you to think but here its been too over used and so it looses all its power.
    I suggest you get rid of the tripple dots and your poem will be MUCH better.

    Also, the first paragraph with the 'Can't start to each line doesn't quite work either. Repetition is one thing but here it just makes it seem like a list. What would really be effective would be to change the last 'can't' and reword it so that 'can' fits. This will catch the reader off gaurd which would be very effective.

    The first verse has a very nice flow to it so stood out to me quite well. Also, the format was quite striking because it was interesting and varied without seeming clumsy and all over the place.

    Keep writing and keep improving!
    | Posted on 2007-06-08 00:00:00 | by AteMyBackpack | [ Reply to This ]
      i definetely enjoyed the first stanza. and your topic is a potent one. raising the question....is the memory of certain past events meant to punish you or help you evolve. perhaps it is both...in one thing predator is right. with time writing as well as your self does get better, it grows to a greater standard. i wouldnt mind bring of some theological mumbo jumbo to counter yr point on "the rights of god's children" but that is not overlly important.

    your piece was vey enjoyable and thank you.

    ash.
    | Posted on 2007-06-08 00:00:00 | by SincerWritinAsh | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm I thought (round about the third stanza) that this was going to be your 'revelation' type poem. A realisation that we don't forget things and saying that its a good thing. I agree with you - it is your right as a human. I wouldn't say I agree that it is a punishment or that its God given (but the latter is another matter...)

    To me it isn't a punishment but a vital aspect of learning. The old adage of 'you learn from your mistakes' might get tedious as a teenager (I'm sure you'll agree) but it rings true. Mistakes, successes, pain, happiness...we learn from them all. That's why we can't let go. If we did we wouldn't learn anything.

    I did enjoy this. Things could possibly be more eloquent at times (I can't help but feel that the 'but maybe that's...' line could be delivered more potently) but I won't criticise your style because it does work here. Thanks for an interesting read.
    | Posted on 2007-06-08 00:00:00 | by Predator | [ Reply to This ]


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