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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: You're Not Here To Fight My Nightmaresdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ladiesplanet1
    ASL Info:    23.cali baby
    Elite Ratio:    3.58 - 720/463/165
    Words: 61
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 589
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 456



    Description:
       i dont know. i just like the nightmare line. i first wrote this on the back of a bank statement... it says i have $100... but its wrong. why am i so fucking broke and why does my life suck... its my fault and im sorry


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYou're Not Here To Fight My Nightmaresdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Falling to pieces,
    Stuck in a rush.
    Held under rocks,
    My body is crushed.

    Lost in myself.
    Lost in your eyes.
    Needing you more,
    Until my soul dies.

    Living without you.
    Can't sleep at night.
    Fear of the nightmares,
    That you can't fight.

    Memories haunt me.
    I long for the past.
    Here in your arms,
    We'll always last.




    Submitted on 2007-06-08 13:42:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I read few of your works and this is one of the better ones I have found. It's got a good flow, really fast, and that kind of emphasizes the mood, kind of angsty.
    Btw, you should consider Vastmarks suggestions, they would really improve your poem
    nice work, tho could be better with revising!
    | Posted on 2007-06-24 00:00:00 | by Darth Zeus | [ Reply to This ]
      Personally, I love this short piece. It's not cluttered with wordiness. It is perfect in the sense of emotion. Shouldn't a poem be mainly about emotion?
    I understand that the love in the poem is your only source of comfort.

    And I love the line,

    "Needing You More
    Until My Soul Dies"

    I've so been through that experience.
    I'm adding this poem to my favs!
    | Posted on 2007-06-08 00:00:00 | by LovelyGoddess | [ Reply to This ]
      This is not bad I like the pace, it's difficult to write a piece this brief and have each line completely coherent personally I like to give myself longer lines so I can cover everything that I need to say, but I think you've done quite well. The subject matter is obviously well covered on any poetry site so I won't delve too deep into it. I hope that doesn't sound rude!

    Your feelings are expressed clearly and the there's nothing in here for guessing, which is good. I find some of this type of poem can be overcomplicated for no particular reason, it comes across as insincere if you know what I mean.

    There are a couple of points that I would raise if I were to go over this myself

    Losing myself.
    Deep in your eyes.
    Needing you more,
    My soul slowly dies.

    Personally I would lose the repitition unless it carries weight or it's just occuping space that a better word could be in, especially in a short piece like this it's important to choose words carefully. The last line I think helps the stanza run to a smoother conclusion

    Living without you.
    Can't sleep at night.
    Fearing the nightmares,
    You're not here to fight.

    I altered this so it incorporates the title, which I too quite like.

    Memories haunt me.
    I long for the past.
    There in your arms,
    Our love will last.

    Here I changed what I see as a discrepancy. You refer to the past and then describe it as 'here in your arms' which is present tense.

    Not great changes to be sure, but I hope you see where I'm coming from. Hope this helps.

    Peace
    Phil
    | Posted on 2007-06-08 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]


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