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    dots Submission Name: Sweet Sugar Memoriesdots

    Author: sunsetserenity
    ASL Info:    21/f
    Elite Ratio:    6.49 - 23/17/12
    Words: 59
    Class/Type: Poetry/Happy
    Total Views: 757
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 446

       This is not deep nor intelligent, so I don't expect you to be highly impressed.. although I would appreciate any helpful advice you can give for this type of poetry. I'm a listening student when it comes to advice.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSweet Sugar Memoriesdots

    there's melted chocolate chips
    and broken tortilla strips...
    some scattered cinnamin swirls
    and moldy cheese dips.

    empty drpepper cans
    and half-eaten fudge rounds...
    it's all that we can see
    as we come in and look around.

    let's peek into the sink
    at all the unwashed dishes...
    it's a reminder of the food
    that was so yummy delicious!

    Submitted on 2007-06-08 17:59:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      On other peoples' comments... I don't mind a lack of capitals. Different people have different styles. A capital doesn't tell you anything about how it is supposed to be read so its a purely visual thing. I actually like the rhyming of the first two lines. As people have said, it threw them off. Finding everything as you expect isn't fun - what would be the point?!

    I do think the last stanza seems odd set aside the others. There's a certain tone in the first two that changes drastically in the third. I'd pinpoint the words 'peek' and 'yummy'. Damn that yummy really does get on my nerves and I don't know why!

    I had an image of parents coming home from a trip away to find the house a state and kids asleep on the stairs and in the bath and it turns out so different!

    As I say, the only thing I really didn't like was that 'yummy'. Thanks for the read.
    | Posted on 2007-06-09 00:00:00 | by Predator | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't care that there aren't any capitol letters. It's not like this is some kind of serious poem anyway. I agree with AteMyBackpack, the first verse threw me off too. I thought the second two lines were gonna rhyme too, and when they didn't I expected the first, second, and last lines to rhyme in the other stanzas. Other than that it was fine. I like the lightheartedness of the poem. And the fact that it's not so serious. It's different from all the other stuff on this site and I enjoyed the change of pace. Good poem.

    And weed for all!
    | Posted on 2007-06-09 00:00:00 | by Magic Dragon | [ Reply to This ]
      This was pretty good. It was very light hearted and not at all deep as you said-which is good because its nice to have change.
    I'm not so keen on the lack of capital letters. In fact there aren't any. It ruins the poem making it seem immature...man, I'm getting sick of saying that.

    Anyhoo, I like the flow of the poem, although the last line of the first verse seems a little off-beat. It's probably because the first and second lines rhyme so you expect the third and forth to as well. perhaps you culd tweak it a little in that area.
    | Posted on 2007-06-09 00:00:00 | by AteMyBackpack | [ Reply to This ]

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