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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Wind of changedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: wordsofmind
    ASL Info:    18/F/Quebec, Canada
    Elite Ratio:    5.51 - 175/174/54
    Words: 117
    Class/Type: Poetry/Friendship
    Total Views: 130
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 775



    Description:
       The flow seems to need a bit of polishing, no?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWind of changedots
    -------------------------------------------


    I still remember
    Our days of joy
    And days of gloom
    Filled with mutual support.
    Could we turn back?

    The wind of change
    Blew abruptly
    And carried you away.
    Whereas, lone I stood
    In astonished silence.

    It brought you back today.
    What happy day it is!
    But why are we so different?
    We’re not how we used to know.
    Should we turn back?

    My grip was on your wrist
    And faith was in my heart,
    An illusion that soon tainted,
    For reality broke through
    In this turning point.

    We used to walk together
    Until the road diverged.
    You took the left
    And I the right.
    No point in turning back.




    Submitted on 2007-06-09 01:19:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      If you want to improve flow then (my old favourite) internal rhyme is a good option, mild repetition, alliteration. Just think of new ways to say what you're saying using these things and it will definitely feel as if there is more flow.

    I can see what BlueTorcher means. There doesn't really seem to be a payoff. A point made. It just reads as is and then ends. The 'no point turning back' is a nice way to end but the lead up to it doesn't feel like its enough. There's no climax. No crescendo.

    Thanks for the read.
    | Posted on 2007-06-09 00:00:00 | by Predator | [ Reply to This ]
      I see the meaning of the poem.Two lover they were seprated,one comes back diffrent..(etc..).
    I liked the poems nothings wrong with it.Although I have a feeling that its kinda dull like its missing something.
    Sincerly,
    -the girl who cried wolf
    | Posted on 2007-06-09 00:00:00 | by BlueTorcher | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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