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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: True Storydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: annie0888
    ASL Info:    49/f/LA
    Elite Ratio:    4.76 - 327/382/122
    Words: 61
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 900
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 377



    Description:
       I categorized it as poem, but maybe it's just a journal entry.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTrue Storydots
    -------------------------------------------


    After I hit you up for fifty bucks,

    And after I hit the garage

    sales and thrift stores,

    After I scored big on an antique table,

    and right after I slipped

    in Simon and Garfunkel's Greatest Hits,

    I hit a pole in a parking lot

    with your truck.






    Submitted on 2007-06-09 14:47:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I'm guessing this is a poem to your husband, and a rather sheepish one at that lol. I once picked up a pizza at a restaurant my friend was working at the time, only to realize rather belatedly that I'd forgotten to apply the handbrake to my car, which was in a carpark with a slight incline. The result was that it rolled backwards into the opening door of a Jeep freshly parked... which ripped the door nearly clean off. That was one expensive pizza, I tell you lol.

    I noticed you've used enjambment in a couple of places to foreshadow the ending, with things like "hit the garage" and "after I slipped"... clever.

    About the only nitpick I have would be to change "in" to "on" regarding the Simon and Garfunkel Greatest Hits line, as we tend to slip CD's on. Although I do get that you meant to say that you slipped a CD in. Overall, a very tiny nit.

    But yep... I'm guessing your husband wasn't very pleased with you afterwards lol.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2007-06-10 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      After I hit you up for fifty bucks,

    And after I hit the garage

    sales and thrift stores,

    After I scored big on an antique table,

    and right after I slipped

    in Simon and Garfunkel's Greatest Hits,

    I hit a pole in a parking lot

    (with) your truck.



    Remind me never to loan you anything. ;) One slight nit (already in parentheses in the text above), I believe 'with your truck' sounds better granmmatically because you already have several instances of 'in' at the close of the post.

    Just my thoughts on your latest.
    Take care.
    Bill.
    | Posted on 2007-06-09 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it. Not typical poetry but who gets to say what that is?

    It's poetic without being poetic.

    I don't really like the break between garage and sales. Doesn't read well to me. Maybe it's because we don't really say garage sales over here.

    Anyways, I liked it. Thanks for the read.
    | Posted on 2007-06-09 00:00:00 | by Predator | [ Reply to This ]


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