[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Ailing Treesdots

    Author: Fougene
    ASL Info:    17/m/Saskatoon Canada
    Elite Ratio:    4.57 - 23/22/39
    Words: 148
    Class/Type: Poetry/Death
    Total Views: 618
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1021


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAiling Treesdots

    The shadow of those ailing trees
    Bore down on me heavily;
    The impression of the twisted branches -
    Nay, the crackling, crooked, cancerous branches
    - Had me filled with anchoring despair.

    The leaves, gently dancing,
    Yellowed as an over-turned corner
    On the pages of an ancient book,
    Were instantly scattered by a gentle breeze.
    It would have seemed a waft of
    Nostalgic scents,
    Had not my soul sunk beneath the rolling waves
    Of inevitable misfortune.

    I imagine, had I been present
    Since the overgrowth were only sprouts,
    Even so,
    I would not have been able to cure
    This alley
    Of their inevitable death.
    If I watered them a little more,
    Cared for them a little more,
    I would have prolonged this day
    One year,
    Ten years.

    And such is my own demise,
    An inconceivable clock, ticking
    As each leaf falls, and be swept away.

    Submitted on 2007-06-10 00:47:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Drastic change at the end from the trees to humanity. I think you just about pull it off.

    Fantastic alliteration with 'Nay, the crackling, crooked, cancerous branches'. The 'Nay' even seems to work well in saying 'no, that's not strong enough, we need some alliteration to drive the point home!'. I liked that part. The imagery too is very good.

    The comparison between the leaves and the 'overturned corner on an ancient book' is also a nice simile, a great image.

    In the next stanza you have more to say and there isn't as much room for these images. It's a shame that the point is so intensely focused that we can't have more of them.

    Thanks for the read.
    | Posted on 2007-06-10 00:00:00 | by Predator | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]