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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Perfect Fall Roaddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: autumnflame
    ASL Info:    21/F/FL
    Elite Ratio:    5.53 - 15/10/5
    Words: 311
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nature
    Total Views: 254
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1963



    Description:
       Last summer, we went to Bremerton to find the Naval museum, but got off track and found the most beautiful fall road.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPerfect Fall Roaddots
    -------------------------------------------


    I remember distinctly, this hidden road we found.
    With our gently laced hands resting between us
    We were in the search for our little naval town
    But we got off track, and took a wrong turn
    That led us to the perfect fall road.

    A thick blanket of bright colored leaves
    All masked in golden yellow, orange,
    Or red as glowing embers;
    They occupied the shoulders of the streets
    And spilled into the winding lanes that day in September.

    The sky above us sealed itself tightly in dark clouds.
    Rain began to fall gently from the sky melodiously,
    As expected this time of year,
    Though it quickly passed to its next destination
    Leaving us with the sky above clear.

    Surrounding us from every side
    Stood the tall trees, surprisingly dense.
    For what seemed like a million leaves inhabited the grounds,
    They still held a stunning amount of their beautiful creations.
    Yet beyond those majestic statues, we could still see the Puget Sound.

    Still and peaceful, blue and tranquil
    Appeared as though the water were a thin piece of delicate glass.
    The sky was a clear deep blue, and the sun itself would soon reveal.
    The rays shimmered off of the few residing rain drops
    That remained dwelling on the car’s windshield.

    As the few small clouds that remained lingering
    Began to move off into the distance,
    He pointed north up to the sky.
    Sharing the large blue stage radiated a multihued rainbow.
    Vivid and vibrant, it illuminated unrivaled beauty to our eyes.

    It followed us down this curvy perfect fall road,
    This road which struck us with such “awe”.
    We came to a stop, this road now was over
    In this instant we knew that this moment
    Would be imprinted in our memories forever.




    Submitted on 2007-06-10 01:35:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    ||| Comments |||
      Your use of imagery is pretty damn good. I could easily picture the surroundings and the richness of colour in your description, simply from the choice of vocab you use, is very nicely done. I would like to pick out my favourties parts to share with you:

    A thick blanket of bright colored leaves
    All masked in golden yellow, orange,
    Or red as glowing embers;
    They occupied the shoulders of the streets
    And spilled into the winding lanes that day in September.


    The verse reminded me of a passage I read once a few years back; it was in a Bill Bryson book I believe. I think it may have been about the state of North Carolina or maybe Virginia. He described how beautiful the autumn is there, how the trees change colour to bronzes and russets and how the entire world's palette seems to shift with the changing of the seasons. In a single description he made me want to visit that state and I still to this day would like to make it there in the Fall just one time before I croak. But you go one up with this stanza; you say everything Mr. Bryson had to say in five lines. That's pretty rare, and I commend you on achieving it.

    The sky above us sealed itself tightly in dark clouds.

    As soon as I read this line it impacted on me. The sky '[sealing] itself tightly' with clouds is simply written but evokes a great picture in my mind. I liked that a lot.

    For what seemed like a million leaves inhabited the grounds,
    They still held a stunning amount of their beautiful creations.


    These lines felt almost magical to me as if I had stumbled upon a passage in a fantasy novel. I can imagine that discovering this 'Perfect Fall Road' was like finding your own world which is why, I'm guessing, you felt the need to write about it. The wonder you felt not only when you were there but as you recreated it on paper strongly comes across here.

    Still and peaceful, blue and tranquil
    Appeared as though the water were a thin piece of delicate glass.
    The sky was a clear deep blue, and the sun itself would soon reveal.
    The rays shimmered off of the few residing rain drops
    That remained dwelling on the car’s windshield.


    Now this was my favourite verse of all. I'm not sure why because the one describing the colours hit a memory in me that I enjoyed. Maybe it's the slight deviation from the natural surroundings to the glass of the car's windshield. It brings us back to the piece and helps direct our minds back to reality before we waltz of into a dreamscape of autumn colours and never ending roads. But again I have to admit to liking the language you choose here: 'thin piece of delicate glass' reminds us that the images we're seeing are tenuous and short-lived, soon to be gone only to live on in your memory; 'dwelling' for the raindrops and 'residing' on the windshield's surface both simple words and yet used with pinpoint accuracy - I doubt any other words would have worked quite so well.

    Man, I sure hope I haven't heaped too much praise on this though I do admit to liking it more with each reading.

    I'll leave you with a criticism, just to balance it out a little. I agree with that comment down there that this poem is very much told in story form and as such I'm not overly keen on the last line. It pulls the reader away from sharing the experience with you and pushes them into being a mere outsider. We look on as you make memories with another. It distances the audience which is a shame because the rest of the piece is so absorbing. That's not a bad thing - I am merely speaking from the perspective of someone other than you or the person you shared this experience with. If it was written merely as a poem to share between the two of you, then you succeed well.

    Hope this was helpful to you in some way.

    Jimmy
    | Posted on 2008-06-01 00:00:00 | by Jacoby | [ Reply to This ]
      fantastic babe.

    truly fantastic.

    the colors were a strong point, and the feeling was genuinely captured, i remembered everything perfectly as i read this, i felt like i was brought back.

    you are wonderful, sweetheart.
    | Posted on 2007-06-23 00:00:00 | by Sheakhan | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really good. There is wonderful description, 'imagery,' some would say.., and I like how you could somewhat rhyme it, so it didn't sound ranting. Good job!
    -Katriana
    | Posted on 2007-06-10 00:00:00 | by dancer-of-words | [ Reply to This ]
      'I remember distinctly, this hidden road we found.' sets this up wonderfully, like a conversation between friends or the beginning of a movie as the flashback begins..

    What's a fall road? Is it an American expression? I've never heard it before.

    There's some really sweet imagery here with the colours and dense trees. It's like a story told in quite a wistful, poetic way, not quite sure whether or not its a poem. I like that.

    The only part I would criticise or change is the ending. It feels to me like it should end how it begins - like how you'd realistically tell this story to a group of people out loud. You've already showed us how amazing and significant this place was. Maybe underplaying it in the end, rather than stating exactly how you feel about it, would be the way to go?

    Anyways, just my thoughts. Thanks for the read.
    | Posted on 2007-06-10 00:00:00 | by Predator | [ Reply to This ]



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