Coffee and Cigarette by VivaLaVina

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Submission Name: Coffee and Cigarette dots

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Author:	VivaLaVina
ASL Info:	20..F..Malaysia
Elite Ratio:	5.91 - 13/12/9
Words:	129

Class/Type:	Poetry/Passion
Total Views:	185
Average Vote:	4.5000
Bytes:	777

Description:

Coffee and Cigarette dots

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One brand new sensation;
In this heart’s a grand creation.
Upon the new found infatuation;
Eyes captured the untouchable passion.

A combination of taste,
Put a mind on maze;
In this circle of craze,
I am amazed.

No longer the lover of caffeine,
Strong scent of yours, I’ll lean,
Against your touch, I’ve been,
Your one and only beauty queen.

No question shall ask.
You’ve taken my heart out of a mask.
Upon the spell you’ve cast.
Forever yours, at last.

With one magical kiss,
Passionate feel upon my lips.
You are my love and my ecstasy;
Coffee and cigarette,
My one and only…

Submitted on 2007-06-10 09:20:15 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  Substituting a new found passion for other less healthy addictions is an intersting basis for a poem. I found the way that you described the new sensations to be well done and left little question in the mind of the reader.
| Posted on 2007-09-04 00:00:00 | by ErgoIgo | [ Reply to This ]
  I like how you combined coffee and Cigarette its really quite different for a passion poem in showing your feelings of how much you love someone.
I have never read a poem comparing ones lover to coffee and cigarettes.
So this is a first for me a first.

Have you ever read a poem of how much you love someone that they are your coffee and cigarettes? not me.

right on with the rhyme all the way along this piece well done.
i liked this you totally surprised me with the title i thought i was going to read a poem about someone who has a passion for coffee and cigs
and it was about someone who love someone and they are their coffee and cigs again well done.
| Posted on 2007-08-28 00:00:00 | by deluka | [ Reply to This ]
  well, "passion poetry" isn't my favorite, just overall, but i'll critique this without a bias against the genre (i'll try!).

first, for the rhyme scheme. i usually don't write structured poetry, as i am always wary of sounding forced. and while this poem didn't sound forced, it kind of bothered me that not all rhymed. i prefer rhyming to be occasional or sound almost accidental, and regularity isn't what one should strive for all the time always, but i think that if the majority rhymes, all of it should. if an entire stanza rhymes and then the next has only 3/4 lines rhyming, it kind of bothers me. but that's just my personal thoughts. obvs i am not trying to control how you rhyme.

"Upon the new found infatuation;
Eyes captured the untouchable passion."
while i like the third line, i don't really think it flows well into the next one.

"No question shall ask."
this doesn't really make sense to me. a question that asks? which question? ask what?

i agree with moonlitsky that the ending feels a little abrupt.

but i like how you tied in other things, coffee and cigarettes, to talk about passion. and good for you for being in love.
| Posted on 2007-07-13 00:00:00 | by explosions | [ Reply to This ]
  One brand new sensation;
In this heart’s a grand creation.
Upon the new found infatuation;
Eyes captured the untouchable passion.

the last sentence doesnt quite go with the previous ones but i am fond of the third line :)

A combination of taste,
Put a mind on maze;
In this circle of craze,
I am amazed.

uhmm... i think this stanza is a bit forced ie.put a mind on maze and the last line, i am amazed

No longer the lover of caffeine,
Strong scent of yours, I’ll lean,
Against your touch, I’ve been,
Your one and only beauty queen.

this by far is my favorite stanza i think it is your stroke of brilliance actually! flowed perfectly. very good :)

No question shall ask.
You’ve taken my heart out of a mask.
Upon the spell you’ve cast.
Forever yours, at last.

should it be: no question shall i ask?
this stanza was so-so for me

With one magical kiss,
Passionate feel upon my lips.
You are my love and my ecstasy;
Coffee and cigarette,
My one and only…

i love the first two lines of the stanza! kudos to that. flowed very well like the third stanza. maybe you could rewrite the ending though. feels like it stops short and that there's something lacking

Kat
| Posted on 2007-06-10 00:00:00 | by moonlitsky | [ Reply to This ]
  You like your coffee :p

I usually hate when all of the lines in a stanza rhyme but you use half-rhyme well so that it doesn't feel too forced and you don't try and stick to a meter. Both help a lot.

The only stanza that doesn't really work is

'No question shall ask.
You’ve taken my heart out of a mask.
Upon the spell you’ve cast.
Forever yours, at last.'

Partly because of the length of the second line and because of the 'at last'. Maybe

'No question shall ask.
My heart you unmask.
Upon the spell you've cast.'

and I don't know about the final line. I liked it though. Thanks for the read.
| Posted on 2007-06-10 00:00:00 | by Predator | [ Reply to This ]

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