golden things by nevender

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Submission Name: golden things dots

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Author:	nevender
ASL Info:	23 M Uganda
Elite Ratio:	5.57 - 346/301/83
Words:	66

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	143
Average Vote:	3.0000
Bytes:	441

Description:
something for someone very special.

golden things dots

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I think of little golden things,
Butterflies, fireflies
And
Golden candlesticks;
Things that make my skin colour go bright
Things that make my mouth go Amen.

But there are things that are golden,
Without and within;
Soul that makes my heart and mouth go Amen,
Spirit that is sunshine and lily within.
I thank my Lord
That you're the one that I mean.

Submitted on 2007-06-10 10:20:48 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This is a good poem with a clear, (and beautiful) statement! However, I think you could have gone a little farther describing the golden things. Thank you for coming out and saying you were talking about the Lord, Christ and Savior, so the point would not be missed.
| Posted on 2007-06-10 00:00:00 | by dancer-of-words | [ Reply to This ]
  i know what it's like to believe in a God and stand in awe of his mercy. how great he may be. and i can understand where youre coming from :)
somethings however i feel could be improve in this poem. just gonna give you a fellow writer's point of view here :)

I think of little golden things,
Butterflies, fireflies
And
Golden candlesticks;
<ok you mentioned that you think of little golden things. and you mentioned golden candlesticks. though there are golden candlesticks, reapting the WORD golden twice in a paragraph can be redundant>

Things that make my skin colour go bright
Things that make my mouth go Amen.
<these two lines however i found nice because you're describing how these object affect you which i thought was quite nice.>

But there are things that are golden,
Without and within;
Soul that makes my heart and mouth go Amen,
Spirit that is sunshine and lily within.
< i like the comparison of these lines with the previous ones. how theere are something in this world that dont just make youre face smile but you're heart as well. how things go beyond being nice and can make everything seem better...>

I thank my Lord
That you're the one that I mean.

<and how this thing that does this is GOD. nice and simply put>

anyway that's just how i tought about this piece so i hope my thuoghts are helpful or encouraging :)

keep writing,
Kat
| Posted on 2007-06-10 00:00:00 | by moonlitsky | [ Reply to This ]
  Quite a simple poem. I don't like to much exaggeration and you keep it to a minimum here - just stating things and letting the weight of that carry them.

I'm not a religious person in the way that you seem to be here so I would find it quite difficult to relate to the sentiment. However I do know the feeling of being so happy that you have this other person who means so much, and thanking whatever it is that makes them be who they are and be there.

I really like the line 'things that make my mouth go Amen' as if it cannot be helped. This thing is so amazing that you can't help but give thanks. Even if you tried not to.

Thanks for the read.
| Posted on 2007-06-10 00:00:00 | by Predator | [ Reply to This ]

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