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    dots Submission Name: The Memory Bookdots

    Author: moonlitsky
    Elite Ratio:    5.96 - 70/44/15
    Words: 143
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1134
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1019


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    dotsThe Memory Bookdots

    Turning pages in my mind
    Of promises shared
    Almost every single one
    Read and reread
    Keeping this stubborn spirit
    From moving on
    How can I expect to forget
    If every nuance of nature
    Is reminiscent of blissful times
    Times even when it would rain
    The sun still shone upon us
    As if to condone this intricate oasis
    Two people
    Surrounded by disarray
    But everything that is made
    Eventually falls apart
    So the screws come loose
    The pieces rust
    And this once brilliant creation
    Becomes part of an uninspired world once more
    Oh how I longed for consistency!
    But it never came
    Though I waited relentlessly
    Peering out the window day after day
    Watching flowers bloom
    Watching leaves fall
    And now fatigued and weary
    All I can do is to run away
    And continue turning pages in my mind.

    Submitted on 2007-06-10 10:33:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I'm honestly impressed.....first of all I'd like to point out your extensive vocabulary, (of which I am jealous) you really pushed the bar here with a common feeling. I identified with this right away, (honestly I wish i'd've read it three months ago).
    I'd also like to point out that it holds true to some archaic feelings of desire, I can't think of a person in my life that wants stability more than I do, and from past experiances of seeking it out I've found this atmosphere that I can hardly describe. Yet in this piece i've found the same atmosphere, it's this doldrum feeling. A rhythmic mechanical clock that is winding down every minute and rarely lets you forget it.

    | Posted on 2007-06-11 00:00:00 | by SlanderousLust | [ Reply to This ]
      Kat, this is excellent! It tells a delightful, intriguing story, and is enjoyable and intriguing to read! You have a developing talent, and the imagination and sensitivity of a great writer!
    | Posted on 2007-06-11 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]

    First thing I noticed was the half-rhyme keeping the poem going with 'shared' and 'reread'. It's a technique I really like and is used subtly here. To someone who isn't used to it they might wonder why its flowing so well there.

    The word 'consistency' doesn't seem to fit with the overall tone of the poem. I can't think of a word that does the exact same job but something along the lines of 'permanence' might work better.

    The last line rounds things off well. Its not particularly original but it works nicely here. The 'continue' is a nice touch.

    Thanks for the read.
    | Posted on 2007-06-10 00:00:00 | by Predator | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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