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    dots Submission Name: God in remission dots

    Author: Guernica
    ASL Info:    17/male
    Elite Ratio:    2.87 - 77/114/67
    Words: 100
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 906
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 668


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    dotsGod in remission dots

    Well, God is jealous, he says so himself,
    but his progress is stagnant,
    has plateaued.

    Recommended treatment: one more dose of valium
    and extended psychoanalysis.

    We can get to the root of this, gentlemen.

    Why's he been slitting his wrists?
    and lashing out at homosexuals?
    What did his father do to him?

    What did he do to himself,
    all those years he had so much power and fun,
    and acted so irresponsibly.

    He's depressed, and
    why has no one thought to ask these questions before?

    Submitted on 2007-06-10 15:27:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    3: meh!
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||

    I like how you made speak to himself in the Third-Person. Was that intentional?

    "Recommended treatment: one more dose of valium
    and extended psychoanalysis."

    I think this sentence needs to be reformed. Something a little less direct. Maybe (if you mind me suggesting, please tell me):

    "His recommended treatment is one more dose of valium..."

    "Why's he been slitting his wrists?"

    The abbreviation does not work here.

    "Why has he been..."

    "and lashing out at homosexuals? "

    Capitalize 'and' or, put a comma after 'wrists' instead of the question mark.

    "What did he do to himself,"

    Question mark, not a comma.

    Capitalize 'all' in the next sentence.

    "He's depressed, and"

    Remove 'and', add a period after 'depressed' and capitalize 'why' in the next sentence.

    These would all help in the structure and the overall flow/interpretation of the poem.
    | Posted on 2007-07-31 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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