Description: Looking for constructive criticism here. I'd did not intend for any of the phrases to rhyme. Some did and some didn't. Should it rhyme consistently or not rhyme at all?
When the Questions Stopped -------------------------------------------
My seven year old self from yesterday
Paid me a visit this afternoon
Where sitting on the couch
Staring vacantly at nothing
I was wondering the reason
For my present gloom
She stared at me
Screwed up her face
And asked me all innocent
"Is this who I'll grow up to be?"
I looked at her
Dark, luxurious waist length hair
Pretty in a long red skirt
Eyes agog with wonder
I wonder if she noticed
My short, cropped hair
Crumbled pajamas
And vacant stare
"Show me around" she said
Pressing her little soft hand
Against mine.
(Did the earth just screech
to a sudden halt?)
I watched her closely
As she ran through the house
Checking out the books
CDs and refrigerator
Did her eager eyes miss
That nothing had been cared for in years?
"Where do you paint?
We said we'd have a house
With a room to paint."
"That's not quite ready"
I lied automatically
"But we do have a place
where we can watch TV"
My eyes did not deceive me.
She definitely snorted
"Where are the toys?
And what about pictures
From Disneyland?"
She pointed to a pile
Of pictures yet to be sorted
"Haven't yet been there"
She almost cried.
"I'm planning a trip this year" I said
But this time she knew I lied.
"Bunny" she shrieked
as she picked up and cooed
to a forgotten artifact from yesteryears
that had once made us happy
We spent that afternoon together
I sat mesmerised
Watching with wonder
At the fire in her eyes
She told me stories of princesses
And dragons and knights
Of lands of rainbows and ice-cream
And dancing under star-lit nights
She asked me why
The moon was so round
And why the sky was blue
And the mud so brown
Why was an orange orange?
What happened to the plans
Of being happy and having fun?
Why I kept things on hold
With my life un-begun?
"You're bored" she declared
In a voice much older
"Because you don't want to know anymore"
The telephone rang
I awoke with a start
I must have dozed off
A relief to my heart
Replacing the cradle, I pondered
Over what the little one had said
I realised I had stopped living
When the questions had stopped
I personally do think the turn into the rhyming verse doesn't quite fit the rest of the poem, although those stanzas were very good. I would consider splitting them out into their own piece and adding to them, replacing them in this one with something that does not rhyme but relays a similar thought
OK, this is really cute, but I'm going to repeat--- mechanics. Grammer and punctuation is so, SO importnat, as you can tell by the comments you've gotten. If you decide to polish this, let me know, and I would be happy to help with any mechanical or content questions you have.
besides the grammatical errors that have already been pointed out.. i really don't see anything wrong with this piece. but i felt the use of the word 'bored' towards the end was a bit nonchalant for the mood of the poem..
you do a very good job of capturing the youthful voice of innocence and paint a very clear picture of this little girl running ahead of you, tugging you by the hand.. i loved the contrast you use with the hair.. the image of the long flowing hair as compared to an older woman.. hair 'cropped' short.. sort of the difference between youthful caring and this sudden carelessness..
this poem is packed with great images and thoughts.. i could go on and on.. but i'll just stop here and say that it really left its mark and i got goosebumps as i was reading it. excellent work.
Judy, this is a great idea "when the questions stopped", and you very tenderly paint a reminder that we grown-ups shouldn't neglect that wide-eyed creative child inside. There ARE numerous errors as has been pointed out,-why not take a few minutes to edit them out-most don't notive the minor things, but in several instances here they do detract from the flow of thought and that spoils the read.
The idea of these two "girls" having a chat is delightful; we all know that time spent witha child can change the way we see things, and make us happy for those sweet flashbacks to our own youth-but here you use your own imagination and memory, to create your own precious scenario, and reflect on the twists your life path has taken, the dreams not fulfilled and the ideas and plans abandoned along with the toybox.
You do a beautiful job of comparing the two stages of this person, physically and emotionally. It evokes some wistful self-reflection in this reader and leaves me rather tongue-tied while conversing with a 10 year old I knew well, so very long ago.
Hey Girl-I knew you would listen-I am happy to be that "catlyst" lol -I really do like this piece so much. It is more than just autobiographical-it touches a nerve in most people I think, because we all have those intimate one-one-one talks with ourselves, and of necessity the one person who can best "set one straight" , is familiar and resides deep within-the child we once were. I am happy that you polished this up and made it worthy of the wonderfully original concept that inspired it to begin with. Sort of a Dicksonian "Scrooge"-second-kick-at-the-cat concept-but from the leisurely standpoint of the couch-rather than the death-bed. And that's all good. Sallly
Terrific poem! Loved it! A self reflective questioning? A life audit? Don't we always come up short, when we compare ourselves to our childhood dreams? Nearly always. Even after great success in life, we aren't always where the child wanted to be. Arthur Fiedler was asked, late in life, if he was happy with his success,and he said no, for he had always wanted to be a Fireman. It is never to late to start anew or to follow a different path. This poem hits home with the reader, because it asks the questions for which none of us have the answers. The one doing the asking is innocence personified. Loved the way you described their time spent together, telling stories with child-like wonder, and then later relating incisive analysis, "You're bored, because you don't want to know anymore." A voice from long ago? A terrific poem! I loved it.
I love the idea behind this, but the last line is so sad. However, I know what you mean. I feel like I'm stuck in such a rut. This is truly great. It makes me wonder what a visit from little Amy would be like. This is very thought provoking.
i dont knowwhy but that read gaveme goose bumps...prob because if my seven year old self visited me she wouldnt be happy either... anywho... this was a fantastic piece the detail was wonderful.i guess it just tells all of us something...great smiles ange
I agree with sharky, this was wonderfully chilling. This is a great haunting piece, that cant help but make one think. I have been thinking lately of my childhood years, almost jealous now - and I suppose you forget to have fun, no matter what age. You become jaded and cynical and grey. This was truly truly brilliant. The best (for me) of the day.
Does grammar bother you? If it doesn't, don't read this comment. I am nitpicking. First verse, last line: "reason FOR my present gloom". Second verse, third line "asked ME all innocent". Eigth verse, first line: "eyes did not DECEIVE me". Ninth verse, last line: capitalized K intentional? Peace, O
This is good. There is a strong thread of question-asking that runs very well. The unintentional rhymes are slight and not distracting at all. Unless you find them so... I wouldn't change it.
The questions that children ask about daily life are definitely the most important questions that we should all be asking. "Where is the painting room" definitely ranks up there with "Why is the sky blue". Don't let that go, ever. (Sorry, I'm just bitter right now about frikkin' society).
But great poem... and "chills" is definitely the right adjective. I'm printing this one out. Peace, O
Submission Name: When the Questions Stopped
