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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Skeptics and True Believersdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: GetFighted
    ASL Info:    14/F/MD
    Elite Ratio:    6.63 - 46/11/7
    Words: 426
    Class/Type: Story/
    Total Views: 101
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2342



    Description:
       Okay, I'll admit I can't help it. I can't stop writing these characters, whom I love with all my heart and soul. And I can't stop using music as my inspiration.

    I can honestly say I put a lot of work into this one. Both of these characters are really based on me, and it shows here. (I hope that didn't sound cocky or anything.)

    Credit for the title goes to The Academy Is..., my biggest inspiration. *tear*

    And I'd really like to thank anyone who even takes the time out to just READ what I have to write. Reviews and CC are wonderful to receive, but it's really nice when people even read it. *tear*

    Enough of my blathering. Happy reading! :)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSkeptics and True Believersdots
    -------------------------------------------


    When he was five years old, Rivers Krivetskaya had an epiphany.
    Of course, back then he had no idea what an epiphany was but looking back he realizes it was a huge turnaround in his life.
    Watching his Grandmother play was always an experience for him. From the first time, whenever he would hear music of any kind, he would get lost in it. Rivers has very vague memories of it, but he's told he was five. It doesn't matter. He remembers what's important.
    When he grandmother was done, she would get up from the bench, ruffle his hair, and drift off.
    Then it was River's turn.
    He wasn't like many five-year-olds, as once noted by his father. He wouldn't pound at the keys until he was out of energy. He would instead walk his tiny fingers along the keys. Those ivory keys that sang to him, called to him, were easier to understand than words at times. They called him a prodigy, a genius, and Rivers never cared because that was never what was important.


    Regina Lovett is 8 years old when she meets this strange boy who barely knows how to talk.
    Later, she learns, it's because he's from a far-off country and doesn't know much English. So she helps him, and they're practically inseparable from then on. She even likes going to his house to watch him play piano.


    Rivers Krivetskaya has frustrated with the adults in life since he was 10. They all try to weave his future for him. All of these futures involving the words "prodigy", and "fame" and "recital". But Rivers Krivetskaya was going to weave his *own* future, all by himself. They didn't know the half of it.
    Rivers had always felt blessed when he was around Regina. She always understood. She never judged, she never lost faith even when he missed a note, or was ever skeptical of his talents. Regina was the only person who ever truly believed in him. Rivers also thought it to be a bonus that she has such a lovely signing voice.


    Rivers and Regina fit together so perfectly. He wanted to make music, she wanted to make music. One just as talented as the other. No skeptics, only believers. They were unstoppable.
    Then came the fall.




    Submitted on 2007-06-11 22:26:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think this read more in the format of a scene from a skit, rather than a completed story. The use of past and present tenses did throw the feel off of kilter. It is the voice the writer uses which gives the impression something is happening as the writer sees it or else it is something that happened in the past.

    It is difficult as an older person to write in the mindset of a young child. Some of your references to River's frame of mind seem too adult (as an example, what he thought of being a "prodigy.") Most kids who are extremely gifted and are told so repeatedly by friends and family and, if encouraged, tend to enjoy the attention.

    Personally, I would avoid using to many age references for your characters as they are reflecting back. Most childhood memories are shaped around events, not chronological age.

    Lastly, develop your characters by making them more personable. Your readers want to love or hate your characters based on your ability to help the readers see your characters in their minds. Describe what they look like, how they talk, etc. These are the traits which make the reader want more from your pen.

    I saw some very good story material here. I want to encourage you to flesh out these characters. Perhaps you could also include a bully character named John Jay?

    The Gadfly

    | Posted on 2007-07-17 00:00:00 | by The Gadfly | [ Reply to This ]
      OMG!
    that john jay junior has got a lot of damn gall leaving you a comment like that!
    sheesh!
    now i have to admit this isnt the strongest piece but for someone who is just starting out it shows a whole lot of promise. ive been writing for 4 years now and my attempts at prose prolly arent all that much better.
    please do not take what that person said to heart. ignore it completely!

    he was right when he said your use of tenses are off though. its important when writing a story like this to make sure you keep the whole piece in the same tense. that stuff can be kind confusing to work out though and it still trips me at times.


    looking back he realizes it was a huge turnaround in his life. -it should be realized


    Watching his Grandmother play was always an experience for him - i think you should prolly put in this line what it is the grandmother is playing. as the story progresses it becomes clear that it is a piano but i think it would be good if you put that in this line because it helps the reader start building the imagery in their head.


    whenever he would hear music of any kind, he would get lost in it. - i think you should say whenever he heard music of any kind he'd get lost in it. the double use of 'would' so close together is a little off putting and quite the mouthful.


    When he grandmother was done - when his grandmother was done


    Then it was River's turn - his name is Rivers... right? and so in this case it ought to be Rivers' [the s is invisible in this case i believe...] i think that its quite confusing having his name end with an S


    and Rivers never cared because that was never what was important. - i think your and should be but to keep with the tense thing.



    Regina Lovett is 8 years old when she meets this strange boy who barely knows how to talk. - i think your jump from chanracter/scene is quite seamless here and well done but you have to keep with the tense. the whole piece seems to be written from a past tense perspective so you need to have Regina in the past tense too. so you need to have that regina lovett was 8 years old when she met a strange boy who barely knew how to talk



    Later, she learns, it's because he's from a far-off country and doesn't know much English. So she helps him, and they're practically inseparable from then on. She even likes going to his house to watch him play piano. -Later she learnt he was from a far-off country and didnt know much english so she helped him. they were practically inseperable from then on. she liked going to his house to watch him play piano.




    Rivers Krivetskaya has frustrated with the adults in life since he was 10. They all try to weave his future for him. All of these futures involving the words "prodigy", and "fame" and "recital". But Rivers Krivetskaya was going to weave his *own* future, all by himself. They didn't know the half of it.
    Rivers had always felt blessed when he was around Regina. She always understood. She never judged, she never lost faith even when he missed a note, or was ever skeptical of his talents. Regina was the only person who ever truly believed in him. Rivers also thought it to be a bonus that she has such a lovely signing voice.
    - youve done really well in the last part of this paragraph. the first part is a bit rusty with the tense thing. Rivers Krivetskaya had frustrated the adults in his life since he was 10. They all tried to weave his future for him. All of these futures involving the words "prodigy", and "fame" and "recital". But Rivers Krivetskaya was going to weave his *own* future, all by himself. They didn't know the half of it.
    Rivers had always felt blessed when he was around Regina. She always understood. She never judged, she never lost faith even when he missed a note, or was ever skeptical of his talents. Regina was the only person who ever truly believed in him. Rivers also thought it to be a bonus that she had such a lovely [signing] voice. = singing.



    Rivers and Regina fit together so perfectly rivers and regina fitted together so perfectly.


    you realise that ending this piece with "then came the fall" doesnt end this piece at all...? you know im sitting here wondering whether you wrote any more of this story or not...? i want to know whether you mean fall as in the season or fall as in some kinda ruining of the relationship/plan to craft his own future.

    i really do think you have potential in creating stories like this. i hope you dont mind that went through and corrected your tenses like i have but i just wanted to show you how it ought to be.

    i encourage you to keep writing and please please PLEASE dont listen to john jay junior... it would seem he has been banned from this site because he has said many unkind unnecessary things to many people.
    | Posted on 2007-07-13 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Close to garbage. Tenses are off. Overuse of repetition. Platitudes upon platitudes. Lack of coherent narrative. Try again next time, after taking a high school writing class
    | Posted on 2007-06-12 00:00:00 | by John Jay Junior | [ Reply to This ]
      This is pretty good but I do have to admit this was a little hard to read in some places
    Perhaps if you want to go back over this story and include a little more insight into Rivers life
    Why does he feel so comfortable around his friend instead of his Grandmother and also maybe include a little more of Rivers life away from the piano
    I stress this is just my opinion this is your write and I would never tell someone how to write
    Greaty Job
    God Bless
    Ron

    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2007-06-12 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]



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