To find the words by Lover girl

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Submission Name: To find the words dots

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Author:	Lover girl
ASL Info:	17, female
Elite Ratio:	4.39 - 83/54/24
Words:	77

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	665
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	459

Description:
This is a poem that I wrote to my boyfriend. It is short, but I think that it gets my point across and I hope that ya'll will give me some good feedback. My guys name is Brien and I hope that you like this as much as I hope he does!

To find the words dots

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I wanted to express my feelings.
I wanted to show that I care.
I wanted to tell you I love you,
And watch the clouds float though the air.

To lay in the grass
Your arms around me,
Your body so close,
A kiss on the lips,
I will forever be yours.

There is something about you.
A gleam in your eye.
The way of your touch,
And I hope you’re the right guy.

Submitted on 2007-06-11 22:37:56 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
it's really cute, and quite simple to the point.. my only thing would be this verse doesnt fit with the rest of the poem.

"To lay in the grass
Your arms around me,
Your body so close,
A kiss on the lips,
I will forever be yours."

the other two verses have a set kindof rhythm/rhyme scheme happening but this is out of place.. because theres an extra line and theres rhyme here..

so yes

like it but wouldnt say i luv it

MDP
| Posted on 2007-06-13 00:00:00 | by MysterydarkPoet | [ Reply to This ]
This is pretty good but I cant help but think of how great this write could be with a little more metaphors to capture the emotion you are writing about
Brien is very lucky to have you as a a girlfriend
This is a sweet tribute to his Love
God Bless
Ron

Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
Thank You
Ron
| Posted on 2007-06-11 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.