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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: To find the wordsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Lover girl
    ASL Info:    17, female
    Elite Ratio:    4.39 - 83/54/24
    Words: 77
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 640
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 459



    Description:
       This is a poem that I wrote to my boyfriend. It is short, but I think that it gets my point across and I hope that ya'll will give me some good feedback. My guys name is Brien and I hope that you like this as much as I hope he does!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTo find the wordsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I wanted to express my feelings.
    I wanted to show that I care.
    I wanted to tell you I love you,
    And watch the clouds float though the air.

    To lay in the grass
    Your arms around me,
    Your body so close,
    A kiss on the lips,
    I will forever be yours.

    There is something about you.
    A gleam in your eye.
    The way of your touch,
    And I hope you’re the right guy.




    Submitted on 2007-06-11 22:37:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      it's really cute, and quite simple to the point.. my only thing would be this verse doesnt fit with the rest of the poem.

    "To lay in the grass
    Your arms around me,
    Your body so close,
    A kiss on the lips,
    I will forever be yours."

    the other two verses have a set kindof rhythm/rhyme scheme happening but this is out of place.. because theres an extra line and theres rhyme here..

    so yes


    like it but wouldnt say i luv it

    MDP
    | Posted on 2007-06-13 00:00:00 | by MysterydarkPoet | [ Reply to This ]
      This is pretty good but I cant help but think of how great this write could be with a little more metaphors to capture the emotion you are writing about
    Brien is very lucky to have you as a a girlfriend
    This is a sweet tribute to his Love
    God Bless
    Ron

    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2007-06-11 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
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    12. Does it feel original?



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    January 10 07
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