Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: useless circlesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Maverique
    ASL Info:    25/F/Own little world
    Elite Ratio:    3.27 - 438/478/128
    Words: 82
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 919
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 550



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsuseless circlesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    - going round and round in useless circles, endlessly.

    She feels stuck in a loop, being rewound over and over and over again. Going through the motions: a mundane, mind-numbing routine.

    Her life a VHS cassette in a digital world.

    A sickening sense of déjà vu pervading her life. No space for growth, no space for newness, no space for anything but the rut she is caught in.

    Stagnant.

    She is -




    Submitted on 2007-06-13 01:12:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      ooo... this is gonna sound bad but the only thing i like about this piece is the fact that it circles back round to the start...

    she is

    going round and round in useless circles.

    you have achieved this seamless looping well.
    i think its the rest of the piece you need to look at. you dont actually seem to say anything beyond the first line but rather everything else is a new way of talking about the rut or the circles or the spinning winding spiralling life that she doesnt want. every image is just saying the same thing.

    you gotta say something more.
    you also gotta be aware of the fact that a lot of these images are highly over used in other work on this site which makes it hard for anything to sound unique when they are used.
    instead of focusing on the circling spirallingness try to show the reader what it is about her life that is out of control. what does this rut look like? what does it consist of? why is it undesirable...? some people like being stuck in ruts... its comfortable and known...
    show the reader what else there is for her... what it is she wants to do... where it is she would rather be...

    i dont know if that is any help but i really do think you could do more with this piece because the seamlessness of the she is going round... the loop of the piece itself is too good to throw away but right now you are not doing it the justice it requires/deserves...
    have an experiment... youve got nothing to lose
    | Posted on 2007-06-19 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Cliffhanger. Is it unfinished? Hopefully we're not grading on completeness...

    I like the cassette metaphor; there are quite a few people who get caught up in that sort of rut, up to and including myself. Gneh. So sleepy.

    I have to go cut wood now...

    --crimson
    | Posted on 2007-06-13 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    144723

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    AI written by poetotoe
    Push written by JanePlane
    Ache written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    Carry written by saartha
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Brigit written by endlessgame23
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    written by Daniel Barlow
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Azores written by poetotoe
    Cover written by saartha
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Every..... written by jackz
    written by Daniel Barlow
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    True Death written by layDsayD

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry