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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: useless circlesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Maverique
    ASL Info:    25/F/Own little world
    Elite Ratio:    3.27 - 438/478/128
    Words: 82
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 859
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 550



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsuseless circlesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    - going round and round in useless circles, endlessly.

    She feels stuck in a loop, being rewound over and over and over again. Going through the motions: a mundane, mind-numbing routine.

    Her life a VHS cassette in a digital world.

    A sickening sense of déjà vu pervading her life. No space for growth, no space for newness, no space for anything but the rut she is caught in.

    Stagnant.

    She is -




    Submitted on 2007-06-13 01:12:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      ooo... this is gonna sound bad but the only thing i like about this piece is the fact that it circles back round to the start...

    she is

    going round and round in useless circles.

    you have achieved this seamless looping well.
    i think its the rest of the piece you need to look at. you dont actually seem to say anything beyond the first line but rather everything else is a new way of talking about the rut or the circles or the spinning winding spiralling life that she doesnt want. every image is just saying the same thing.

    you gotta say something more.
    you also gotta be aware of the fact that a lot of these images are highly over used in other work on this site which makes it hard for anything to sound unique when they are used.
    instead of focusing on the circling spirallingness try to show the reader what it is about her life that is out of control. what does this rut look like? what does it consist of? why is it undesirable...? some people like being stuck in ruts... its comfortable and known...
    show the reader what else there is for her... what it is she wants to do... where it is she would rather be...

    i dont know if that is any help but i really do think you could do more with this piece because the seamlessness of the she is going round... the loop of the piece itself is too good to throw away but right now you are not doing it the justice it requires/deserves...
    have an experiment... youve got nothing to lose
    | Posted on 2007-06-19 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Cliffhanger. Is it unfinished? Hopefully we're not grading on completeness...

    I like the cassette metaphor; there are quite a few people who get caught up in that sort of rut, up to and including myself. Gneh. So sleepy.

    I have to go cut wood now...

    --crimson
    | Posted on 2007-06-13 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]


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