Untitled poem
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Description:
Another sample from my three-day foray into writerscafe.org. Don't bother with it; from my experience, they've got even fewer review-inclined readers than we do.
Untitled poem
Alight-- She stands upon the edge, wings spread against a cobalt sky-- falling. Only another angel cast out from the inner ring of the chosen-- or another devil, wishing to touch the stars. I never knew which. Only that she was going to die. The towers reach, white marble wrought in the forms of what we love or fear ever to see again. Then her wings fold, and she alights; an owl upon the heights of Babel. |
Submitted on 2007-06-13 09:52:51 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| the tower of babel thing i really like...throws a whole new meaning into the end of the poem for me... earlier i am getting the idea of a wonderful girl/woman who may be dying of a disease...she is getting cast out of the ring of the living...and is going to become an angel... i agree somewhat with a previous comment about the tower...but think it could remain if something is said in that stanza referring back to the angel and connecting them...like the tower reaching up for her-- then the tower itself...babel..all the different languages...and hers now a language of death, but maybe life after death..showing that her spirit will go on into eternity...and that her spirit will also live with the speaker too... i like this... jacob | Posted on 2011-05-14 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ] | very imaginative, and i got much pictures of it, i really enjoy reading it, i hope i can read more from you, so keep writing, and if you have time please take a look to my writings, i would really appreciate if you leave a comment | take care and have a nice day Victor | Posted on 2007-09-15 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ] | Very interesting. I like how you use descriptive words like "cobalt sky" and "white marble wrought..." It really helps to form a picture, which is very important. I've seen other poets try this style of writing before, but I never saw one that got this close to being brilliant. I think your writing is very good, but of course everything can be improved. | I love the first two stanzas, but the third doesn't seem quite right to me. I love the description, as I said. But I think the thing that doesn't feel right is the sudden shift from "the angel" to the tower, because the first part of the poem was about her. It just seemed a bit abrupt and out of place. But of course that's just me. I'm often accused of being crazy, so you don't have to take my advice. I also like your wording overall. There's nothing extra to weigh it down. And I like how you say you don't know which it is, and angel or devil, love or fear. Because you often can't tell, can you? Again, just me babbling. sorry! Byeyahs, Lizzy B | Posted on 2007-08-11 00:00:00 | by Lizzy B | [ Reply to This ] | ~*~ | I always thought you had a unique style and it's true. I cannot tell you which is it - the fact that you write fantasy or the fact that you are very good at writing it that I appreciate more. The captions you portray here seem very "animesque" so to speak. What I am trying to say is that it seems like something you could see in Japanese anime. Very visceral and very mind challenging. I like the colors. ~*~ | Posted on 2007-08-06 00:00:00 | by Porcelaine | [ Reply to This ] | I really like the structure of the first part. I don't know if I've tried anything like that. I like to experiment with a variety of structures or whatever works with what I start writing. Freestyle. The second part is a perfect story. I especially like the lines... | or another devil, wishing to touch the stars. ... and how an angel with too much ambition and greed can fall from grace. I would like to know what you meant by the third part. What is it that we love or ever fear to see again? The fourth part is a perfect ending. Katana | Posted on 2007-07-13 00:00:00 | by Katana Ryoko | [ Reply to This ] | Interesting...interesting is how I would describe the experience of reading this piece and joining in your little guessing game...angel or devil on the rise or decline. Hmmm? | | Posted on 2007-06-23 00:00:00 | by ErgoIgo | [ Reply to This ] | Babel. Fictional place, that. Cobalt sky sounds like a phrase I'd use. | Since I feel useless at offering critique now, I'd suggest a title along the lines of "Blue Angel", the person (both watching and being described) are melancholic if not outright miserable, for reasons I can't discern. It might be just me though. cheers, as always. Azuire | Posted on 2007-06-15 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ] | Beautiful!! So many things are there which we want to do, but for these preset notions about fitting in, about what's right and what's wrong, and all that.... If only we could think beyond this society and its norms, something like Jonathan Livingston Seagull from the book that goes by the same name.... Sometimes, it's just the experience, and not the result, that counts and makes it worth it... I especially liked the line, "..or the devil... the stars".... | PS-- hope I got the analysis bit right!! Trust me, I trieddd!! If I'm wrong, I do realize what a monumental fool I've made of myself!! Ah well... | Posted on 2007-06-14 00:00:00 | by esoterica | [ Reply to This ] | Like the first reviewer I will not make it my duty to analyze this poem. I will say that I thoroughly enjoyed the way the piece read. It had wonderful imagery and a pleasant pace to it. I thank you for taking the time to share it with us. | | Posted on 2007-06-14 00:00:00 | by ErgoIgo | [ Reply to This ] | I like the first stanza because it reminds me of a girl I wrote about in crippled wings. | There's a dreamlike quality to this, but I'm no psychiatrist so I won't go into analyzing it. :) | Posted on 2007-06-14 00:00:00 | by Maverique | [ Reply to This ] | |
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