A Freefall Cannonball by Silenced Hope

I’m just a freefall cannonball, who refuses to win
Greedy eyes that terrify the orphan kids again
Won’t chase the dogs that never run because the hunt is half the fun
And spoils just replace the inner drive

Please send me signals
Let me know that you’re alive
Just push a pulse
To let me know that you’re inside

My Father’s dream died by train tracks
Hog-tied in a garbage bag
I still climb into
It is dragged
Caboose style
It’s the last thing to get there
And no matter when or where
You put your ear to the track
The sound that shakes and vibrates back
Is always fading

My Mother’s dream fell between the cracks
Of his twisted childhood
And trying to preserve us
So she would rub us with kosher salt
Head
Shoulders
Knees
And
Toes
Until cuts wouldn’t bleed
The pain remained
But our blood stayed sealed and pure
Until she turned to rub him
But it was always the wrong way
So she rubbed harder and harder
And this way
And that way
Trying to find a sweet spot
She didn’t feel dirty touching

And while she struggled with him
We tried to rub ourselves
But our arms couldn’t reach the salt
So we coated ourselves with Playdo
And mud
And proclaimed each other monster
And the name fit so well
It scared me
So I hid under beds and in closets
Wishing saliva was antibiotic

And one night
When my little brother claimed
There was a monster in his closet
And my Mother went laughingly to check
Imagine her surprise
To find me
Covered head to toe in mud and Playdo
Mud streaking down my face
Because I knew they were fighting again
Over what I didn’t know
But they were fighting again
And our paper-thin walls
Could not restrain her screams
Or dull the noise of her yells

So I thought everyone could hear her sobs
As she scrubbed the mud from my back
And peeled the hardened Playdo
From my forearms and legs

And I thought everyone could hear my sobs
As she held me like a baby again
And hummed low tuned folk blues into my ear
In a whispered way that only I could hear

But no one heard his sobs
The first time his doctor touched him
And that is when silver linings become dangerous
And giving in
Smells like power
And powdered gloves can’t keep fingers and flash apart
And tongue depressors press tongues to teeth
To the point where when you speak
You bleed

And that is why I wish saliva
Was antibiotic
Because his tongue became infected
And he was at an age where medicine
Was icky
And refusing it
Was easy

So he grew
Still infected
And I
Feel injected
Because I carry his blood
So I guzzle tubes of Neosporin
Whenever I feel a swell
On my tongue
And I guzzle Listerine
Hoping to drown out disease
Until my gums
Bleed
Back into me
And I know I’m safe for another day

So I’ve been learning low tuned folk blues
To hum to her when she remembers
The years she wasted trying to rub him
And cries

And I’ve been riding trains
Hitchhiking on the caboose
Rubbing myself with dirt and ink
And proclaiming myself
Free
And the name fits so well
I jump on beds
And stand on rooftops
I jump in puddles
For opportunity
And I make sure every kid I know
Eats an apple a day
To help to keep
The doctor away

You see
Spoils just replace the inner drive
Please send me signals
If you need help to survive
Just push a pulse
To let me know that you’re inside

I always remember to give thanks
Everyday
For the paper thin walls
So we could hear our oldest brother
Yell out
Come on
I’m not afraid of you
Anymore