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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Summer Raindots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: dismentled
    ASL Info:    24/M/"South of Heaven"
    Elite Ratio:    4.11 - 619/553/204
    Words: 125
    Class/Type: Poetry/Me
    Total Views: 198
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 916



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSummer Raindots
    -------------------------------------------


    Black is evil
    black is bad
    Black is discord
    black is sad;
    Black is the colour
    of my tiny heart
    that Breaks alone
    and Falls Apart

    i pick up the pieces,
    But I'm not sure why
    Every time, it feels,
    like i'll die!
    it Swallows me up
    from the Inside-out
    and this i say
    Without a Doubt…

    I Will NEVER be o.k.
    Something so Very Wrong with ME!

    i Hate myself
    and I don't know why,
    Broken? Bleeding!?
    My breath a Lie
    Whatever the Lesson
    It's Fractured and Burned,
    i Smile wide
    as Nothing's Learned.

    Anticipating another
    Summer Rain
    something Perspires
    Down my chin;
    i've Never tried
    to let it out
    i've only tried
    to let me in ...




    Submitted on 2007-06-14 10:48:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      It pains a morbid picture in my mind, about life. I don't really feel anything else when i read this, only a sense of dread. Is that what you ment to pertray to your readers?
    It was very realistc in a way, adn the title caught my eye.
    good write. hope to read more.

    ~MaGgIe
    | Posted on 2007-07-07 00:00:00 | by Magger32 | [ Reply to This ]
      OK well to be honest, your lack of love for black was disappointing before- but come on? don't hate it rawks....it's safe and powerful and deep.....I can't believe you changed my perspective just by mentioning something :P (but I'm supposed to be the influencial one??)

    This was so fricken depressing, and to be honest, it didn't have the passion I expect from your writing; it seemed kind of hurried. idk, I think if you went back and revised you'd be really really happy with what you got, it's not bad the way it is, but it could be great.

    now....you do have something with
    "My breath a Lie
    Whatever the Lesson
    It's Fractured and Burned,
    i Smile wide
    as Nothing's Learned."
    that part....yeah...I just loved it, like it stuck in my mind and it's one of those things I wish was always there; it just makes that much sense. so thanks =]

    and your ending...well that surprised me, your writing usually strikes me as more decisive and almost authoritiative in tone...more absolute maybe? But i liked it actually, it seems a lot like a plea....like you had done all that, done so much and lived trying to figure things out- only to wonder if maybe you'd been going about things the wrong way the entire time.

    so, in summary, I did like it, it's emotive, and I tend to get something from all of your writing, but with this, I see more potential than presentation; as it stands with this write, and that's not a bad thing at all, my mind almost immediately started considering where this write could have gone, as soon as I was done taking it in and feeling through it. I actually did like it more than this comment probably suggests, I just know your talent, and I wouldn't want you to fool yourself into thinking this is all you can do with this write.
    anyway, byes, take care,
    peace, love and poetic chaos,
    -Jess

    | Posted on 2007-06-14 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]


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