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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: ''through the ink''dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: crazyphreshone
    ASL Info:    31/M/NewYork
    Elite Ratio:    4.45 - 66/69/29
    Words: 119
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Misc
    Total Views: 94
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 871



    Description:
       completely freestyled during a late nite frenzy.right here on the site.think im gonna stop censoring my shit from now on....


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots''through the ink''dots
    -------------------------------------------


    suicidal poet,
    who twisted the gift-
    to a creature unbeloved...

    for a demon shall pen this next verse,
    to exploit the gift,i must feed the curse.

    ode to the darkness,
    which blesses each phrase,
    and for all of the tragedy
    and the triumph,
    do i give praise...

    may i not forget the laughter
    and the tears
    throughout all of my days...

    the struggle to be true,
    to all in all ways...

    drawing upon the voice
    during self-scrutinized amphetamine nights.

    that unknown presence,
    undoubtedly always there,
    heightening all senses
    mine instinct insanely aware.

    my angelic verse,
    my demonic prose,
    the strength of my voice,
    through the ink it arose...




    Submitted on 2007-06-15 03:55:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      i think this could be more.
    i think it is obvious to you how this all links and connects up but to me as the reader i am not quite following as well as i could.

    i can tie things together and add them up but im not sure if im adding and tying the right ends. this is why i think it could be more.


    the struggle to be true,
    to all in all ways...

    is this stanza meant to be another thing you dont want to forget...? thats what im tying it to but im not sure if its right.
    it doesnt seem to be rooted anywhere and it is a very valid idea so i feel like it needs some point of connection to make it more cohesive.

    but also...
    perhaps you dont need the comma after true? are you talking about being true to all in all ways? or is all in all ways something completely unrelated? the way i read it is the first and therefore i dont think you need the comma. [but then me and punctuation dont get on so well so i could very well be wrong...]



    that unknown presence,
    undoubtedly always there

    what is THAT unknown presence?
    is it a reference to darkness again? or something else...? because the way you have it, completely unrelated to anything... starting a whole new sentence with it seems out of place somehow. it doesnt seem to be a natural progression from anything to anything though it is clear that you as the writer know exactly what it is because it is always there. you just have to think of a better way of clueing in the reader somehow...

    i think you need to be aware of the fact that you started out completely unformed and ended with 2 stanzas of 4 line rhyme which is somewhat of a magic formula on this site of late. i think you should prolly decide whether you want to have this structured or unstructured and adapt it accordingly. personally i would prefer you kept with the unfromed quality of the start. while you have rhyme running through it it isnt so blantant as to belittle the meaning you are trying to convey.

    theres a coupla things to think about. i hope something in this comment helps.
    | Posted on 2007-06-16 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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