Within his journeys young Derain fought many different types of monsters of (Orcs, Dragons, and Evil Elves and so on of such monsters)
By the time he reached the 25th, he had fought every monster you would think of except one…Greed and its effect on people's hearts.
So one day while Derain was walking he heard a call for help coming from the direction straight ahead, so he ran towards the Screams and calls for help and he saw a town being attacked by multiple dragons and an Army of Orcs and Trolls.
So he ran to help using all he can to save everyone there from this huge attack
skipping throught the crowds of fleeing people , and through the chaos he saw children being abandoned by their families or orphaned by the vicious creatures , he struggled through the crowds and the chaos to rescue the children , asking for help some of the town's men helped him rescue the children , as they helped some were attacked by the creatures but not seriously injured , he helped fight through and killed many , and as finally everyone escape he turned to the armies of of Orcs , Trolls and Dragons swarming the sky , as he fought he heard voices calling to him " ...Human Warrior... "
| im sorry i cannot accept this to be a story of your own... arent the characters in this [orks and trolls etc] in lord of the rings?|
i think if you want to write a dark story you could prolly find your own breed of ugly creature... and you prolly ought to tell the reader what they look like... put in a little detail perhaps?
create more imagery of fighting? of the evil darkness that has over taken the village and the people. paint the villagers screams and shrieks. their attempt at self defence...
and why had this guy battled all these monster things? is he some kind of superhero or something?
now i realise there is a first part but i think the reader should be able to find out just from picking up the story who this guy is and why all the monsters want to fight with him... what is it about him that they find so attractive?
i do like that the only monster he hasnt fought is that of Greed. that is well done. but i do not see the thought continued after this mentioning. one would have assumed that the rest of this chapter would be about him overcoming the monster of greed...
have a think about that and think about incorporating the idea into this story more.
you need to make sure you are consistent in your story telling...
first he skipped through the crowd and then he struggled. there is a significant difference between skipping and struggling so i think you should prolly try to work with one or the other.
and maybe with that bigger section you need to set it out more clearly. it gets so muddled that it kinda goes nowhere
so i dunno... theres a coupla things to think about either to revise this piece or for future writings...
|| Posted on 2007-07-04 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ] |