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    dots Submission Name: unknown powerdots

    Author: sunsetserenity
    ASL Info:    21/f
    Elite Ratio:    6.49 - 23/17/12
    Words: 99
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 524
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 632


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsunknown powerdots

    It pushes and pushes
    against the walls of my heart.
    It twists, and spins,
    and beats through my veins.

    It shivers through my skin..
    up to my head,
    down to my legs.
    It causes me to shake.
    It causes me to tremble.
    It causes me to cry.

    What is this strong enemy
    That wars against my weakness?
    What is this unseen power
    That forces me to feel?
    It forces me to hurt..
    and forces me to stare.

    It pushes and pushes
    against the walls of my heart.
    It twists, and spins,
    And beats . . .

    Submitted on 2007-06-17 00:15:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      i think you should either reveal what this 'unknown power' is or give the reader more information and less repetition so that they are able to work out what this power is.

    as it is this piece seems vague and rather directionless to me

    it it it it it it does nothing for me...

    you really need to be more specific.
    you can do that without giving yourself away and removing the mystery but right now this just doesnt seem to be anything...

    im all for discovering the unknown but this doesnt make me want to know anything...
    you gotta mess with the readers mind some... make them WANT/NEED to know what this power is and why they dont have it or whether they do have it or how they can get/obtain/channel this power...

    dunno... i think this could be better/more...
    | Posted on 2007-06-17 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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