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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: How about you read it to find out!!!!!!dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: theman
    ASL Info:    21/m/mn
    Elite Ratio:    3.52 - 496/478/149
    Words: 140
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 551
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 919



    Description:
       touched it up a little...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHow about you read it to find out!!!!!!dots
    -------------------------------------------



    Every Day is a new day
    Every Day somethings changes
    But one thing will always stay the same.....

    Talk, sleep, and eat
    There's nothing but you on the brain
    No type of retardant can distinguish this flame

    She's that type of woman,
    You give your last name too
    Knowing tomorrow
    She will still be calling
    Late at night saying she loves you.

    Intellectual mind
    With a body that so exquisitely fine
    Hearing that voice
    Has the heart ready for internal combustion

    She everything you want and need
    As days go by,
    She is the girl of your dreams,
    taking away every breath away
    with every sensual kiss.
    i could die today
    i know i would be at rest.

    Forever and Always
    I wanted to thank you for giving me the time




    Submitted on 2007-06-20 15:58:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      this was very nice to read. ive fallin in love with this boy he asked me to marrie him, im only 16 and i said yes....then he left me cuz i wanted to wait till i was married to have sex for the first time..he thought hed wated long enough after 2months but i still said no so he cheated on me and then left me for someone who will give it to him.....i still miss him everyday all day long and wish hed come back...

    but nice job i love how u worte this it was a wonderful idea. ur gf is very lucky to have u..

    tayla aka sickofhurting u
    | Posted on 2008-09-07 00:00:00 | by SickOfHurting U | [ Reply to This ]
      I like your rap style. You're a natural in it. I couldn't get away with that. There are a lot of places where you can make it smoother, but overall I like it.
    Katana
    | Posted on 2007-08-07 00:00:00 | by Katana Ryoko | [ Reply to This ]
      She that woman, = she's

    she that woman sounds a lil too... caveman comic to me...



    She will still be still calling

    two stills so close together is really off putting and troubles my mind and mouth when i try to say them. i dont see why you cannot say she will still be calling...



    She everything I want and need

    i would avoid using this line. im sure there is another way of wording it. right now it reminds of the vertical horizon song 'he is everything you want hes everything you need hes everything inside of you that you wish you could be'
    and again... she's...



    Where still young = we're


    personally i think you need to work out whether you are gonna write about 'you' as you start off doing [There’s nothing but you on the brain
    No type of retardant can distinguish the flame] or 'she' [She that woman,
    You give your last name too
    Knowing tomorrow
    She will still be still calling
    Late at night saying she loves you.] because right now the merging of you/she makes this piece quite inconsistant. and then you becomes i when you bring in the personal element of your experience...

    i just think need to think about having more consistancy in your piece.

    i also think you should be aware of clichés.
    love is the hardest thing to express without them i think but it is not impossible. the reason clichés are clichés is because they are the best found way of saying something... but that doesnt mean that you cannot find your own way of saying the same thing... its just more of a heartfelt challenge i guess.

    good luck with your girl though
    | Posted on 2007-07-02 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      this is sweet and heartfelt! i can relate cuz im falling in love again!
    thanks for sharing and keep writing!
    ali
    | Posted on 2007-06-20 00:00:00 | by Ali Marie | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    145188

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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