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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Illusiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Timmay
    ASL Info:    16/male/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    3.16 - 2/4/4
    Words: 116
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 716
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 761



    Description:
       A poem I wrote about family.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIllusiondots
    -------------------------------------------


    Illusion
    They say they love you, they say they care,
    But in the end itís all threadbare.
    There they wait with arms held wide,
    Yet unallowing for your own choices to be tried.
    Blind obedience under a cruel yoke,
    Always expected which is no joke.
    Yet to unknowing eyes happiness is portrayed,
    The foundation for more lies to be layed.
    An inescapable routine until the coming of age,
    When the destruction is imminent of that hated cage.
    Always smiling, always saying nice things,
    Such hollow habits are slow in abolishing.
    However that so sought after utopia can be found,
    When reading a poem called Illusion,
    When they have finally gone to ground.




    Submitted on 2007-06-21 19:33:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      im with illuminate on this.
    your sense of rhyme seems so natural that you prolly ought to give sonnets a crack... with or without iambic pentameter...


    as for the content of the piece.
    there is great truth to be found in this piece.
    living at home under your parents roof with all those rules that are enforced by stupid lines like "while you live under my roof you abide by my rules" and "im the adult in this equation" which really are not lines that endear parents to respect from their children but rather rebellion...

    and its not like we are asking for the world either... just for a little self expression and the ability to make a couple of our own mistakes.

    someone [mark twain i think] said to learn from everyone elses mistakes because you dont live long enough to make them all yourself or something to that extent which is quite a valid statement too.

    but i think parents just think theyre doing whats best for us... even though that seems like the biggest crock of sh!t at the time when we are obeying all their rules and whatever.


    personally i dont like the end of this piece.
    it seems too... egotistical somehow but then perhaps i come to it from a different perspective...
    i do not think that ending this piece with praise of your own work is the way to end it. it makes me think you couldnt come up with any other way of ending it i guess.

    but yeah...
    good luck...
    it does get better believe it or not...
    | Posted on 2007-06-29 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Although I think your rhyming is clever, it is just too much for me. But I usually don't rhyme in a lot of my poems, so maybe it is just a personal thing and not necessarily because your poem needs work. That being said, you should think about writing some sonnets, or work on Shakespearean styles, I feel like your natural ability would lend nicely to those styles as well.

    tk
    | Posted on 2007-06-22 00:00:00 | by illuminate11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Bwah. I love the ending of this piece. xD

    It's true though. A lot of families only want you to go to school and get the f*** out of their house, and say it's so you'll have a good life.

    But what's a good life if you're not happy? Spend five years at university, get a doctors job or whatever you can get with five years at university, and work to live. Wake up, go to work, come home, sleep. Five or six days a week. Making money so you can continue doing so.

    And then retiring when it's too late too live?

    Not my sort of life, thanks. xD

    Hopefully my parents can appreciate that... but I doubt it.

    Anyway, I like it. Got more?
    | Posted on 2007-06-21 00:00:00 | by Jason_Clement | [ Reply to This ]


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