Description: It's kind of dark eh....But in a good way I think. I kind of love it. Let me know what you think, what I could do to improve. I've worked a little on this, a line or a letter every once in awhile for months. It started in math class and ended up getting finished very late at night one night.
ALSO: Please, help with a better title? I had 'Aching Zenith' then it was pointed out that it sounded like painful sex. Eep.
From Aching To Zenith -------------------------------------------
An aching abyss of apathy
broken beads of brown beauty
crisp and crackling, the coating crumbles.
Dissected dreams darkly dying
every eclipse of every epiphany
finally fighting for freedom's fall.
Garish grins, gaping; gorgeous
hot heavy hands holding hearts
illuminated in incandescent ice
And a jaded jester jarred
kindly kisses killing kids
the long limbering limbs of lovely lies
Masticating morbid men manning miles of mud
neurotics nibbling nothing narcotics
opening orifices of an orchestra’s octaves and oceans.
Popular pills, pushing pestilence, paradigmatic pastimes of the parson’s patron,
the quintessential questing of a quiet quitter’s quandary
of rested royalties, rendered robust and rotund.
Sacred soundless secrets of a silent song
tasting tender tangles of torn and tined teeth
Under unsuspecting undergrowth, unleashing undone unity.
Vaudeville vacancy vanishing in the vivacious vanity
of the wishful wallowing of wandering wayward wings
yesterday’s youth yonder yelling yellow.
X-rated X-plicit X-citement
A zygote’s zealous zenith.
There's something here beyond the clever alliteration and A-to-Z thing (bravo! by the way. Nothing sounds forced, each line flows very well and there are some very clever lines here...
yesterday’s youth yonder yelling, "yellow!"
might make it a little clearer.)
But hidden in all that is a journey from adolescence to adulthood that reminds me a bit of Brand New's "Sic Transit Gloria..." thematically, at least. Sex and drugs and the emptiness of latchkeydom and lack of fitting in leading to doing things perhaps best left until you've had a bit of time to prepare. Cause if you grow up too fast, you'll have a bit of a shaky foundation. Like wresters on steroids, or plants on too much miracle grow. They get really big, but there's not much substance to them. Zow! And yet, this is still a journey, even if it's the path that lead to a zygote's fertilization.
The way you use words- and the way words of the same letter allow you to do this- reminds me a bit of some half-finished thought (bear with me, I have a point). There's connotations automatically associated with a word, based on it's entymology, and the similarities between other words and their construction can make some really cool poetry. (like, um, Rimbaud, for example.) And I think you use that really well here. Wasn't that an awkward compliment? It's hard to explain what I'm talking about. I'm not sure if it really exists. Oh well.
Well, damn, this must've taken you a while to do. Nice creative exercise... I think I like your 'V' line the most, but overall, every line flows into each other. As for meaning, I don't really get one, but I don't think that was the point of this poem, right?
I think your title's fine as it is. But if I were to make a constructive nit, it would be perhaps to take this idea that you have and write a poem that has a somewhat clearer meaning to it, you know what I mean?