[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: From Aching To Zenithdots

    Author: Waywarddaughter
    ASL Info:    17/f/Vt
    Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 72/52/22
    Words: 161
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1116
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1303

       It's kind of dark eh....But in a good way I think. I kind of love it. Let me know what you think, what I could do to improve. I've worked a little on this, a line or a letter every once in awhile for months. It started in math class and ended up getting finished very late at night one night.

    ALSO: Please, help with a better title? I had 'Aching Zenith' then it was pointed out that it sounded like painful sex. Eep.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFrom Aching To Zenithdots

    An aching abyss of apathy
    broken beads of brown beauty
    crisp and crackling, the coating crumbles.

    Dissected dreams darkly dying
    every eclipse of every epiphany
    finally fighting for freedom's fall.

    Garish grins, gaping; gorgeous
    hot heavy hands holding hearts
    illuminated in incandescent ice

    And a jaded jester jarred
    kindly kisses killing kids
    the long limbering limbs of lovely lies

    Masticating morbid men manning miles of mud
    neurotics nibbling nothing narcotics
    opening orifices of an orchestra’s octaves and oceans.

    Popular pills, pushing pestilence, paradigmatic pastimes of the parson’s patron,
    the quintessential questing of a quiet quitter’s quandary
    of rested royalties, rendered robust and rotund.

    Sacred soundless secrets of a silent song
    tasting tender tangles of torn and tined teeth
    Under unsuspecting undergrowth, unleashing undone unity.

    Vaudeville vacancy vanishing in the vivacious vanity
    of the wishful wallowing of wandering wayward wings
    yesterday’s youth yonder yelling yellow.

    X-rated X-plicit X-citement
    A zygote’s zealous zenith.

    Submitted on 2007-06-21 21:46:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      There's something here beyond the clever alliteration and A-to-Z thing (bravo! by the way. Nothing sounds forced, each line flows very well and there are some very clever lines here...

    one suggestion:

    yesterday’s youth yonder yelling, "yellow!"

    might make it a little clearer.)

    But hidden in all that is a journey from adolescence to adulthood that reminds me a bit of Brand New's "Sic Transit Gloria..." thematically, at least. Sex and drugs and the emptiness of latchkeydom and lack of fitting in leading to doing things perhaps best left until you've had a bit of time to prepare. Cause if you grow up too fast, you'll have a bit of a shaky foundation. Like wresters on steroids, or plants on too much miracle grow. They get really big, but there's not much substance to them. Zow! And yet, this is still a journey, even if it's the path that lead to a zygote's fertilization.

    The way you use words- and the way words of the same letter allow you to do this- reminds me a bit of some half-finished thought (bear with me, I have a point). There's connotations automatically associated with a word, based on it's entymology, and the similarities between other words and their construction can make some really cool poetry. (like, um, Rimbaud, for example.) And I think you use that really well here. Wasn't that an awkward compliment? It's hard to explain what I'm talking about. I'm not sure if it really exists. Oh well.
    | Posted on 2007-06-29 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, damn, this must've taken you a while to do. Nice creative exercise... I think I like your 'V' line the most, but overall, every line flows into each other. As for meaning, I don't really get one, but I don't think that was the point of this poem, right?

    I think your title's fine as it is. But if I were to make a constructive nit, it would be perhaps to take this idea that you have and write a poem that has a somewhat clearer meaning to it, you know what I mean?

    But yeah, this was fun to read.

    | Posted on 2007-06-24 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed the alliteration in aplphabetical order. This was cleverly written and constructed. You have a keen eye and sharp pen.

    | Posted on 2007-06-22 00:00:00 | by The Gadfly | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]