This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -

Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Dont Hide / Hide

Author: Jimi James
ASL Info:    24/m/somehwere
Elite Ratio:    6.16 - 90 /78 /41
Words: 94
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1418
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 621


a schizophrenia being ill
couldnt stop her own will
but a schism will

Dont Hide / Hide

Wake from your sleep
so we can walk together
walk in the wrong lane
to see bad before it happens

walk in the wrong lane
so we can wash hands
and freeze somewhere else
and cough somewhere warm

In summer you wont be so nice
you wont last in peace
in everlasting peace
changing roads non-glare

people now look at me
though im not here
dying by accidents
and by alien hands
you know where you are
you know where you are

Youre away much too far

Submitted on 2007-06-23 11:03:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  I'm not really sure of what you were getting at here, at first it seems like you're trying to protrey a savior or something. Leading the subject of the poem into other lands of opportunity and excitement. Though later it looks as if you're a martyr, asking your subject to observe your accidental death as though it had meaning. Please tone down the ambiguity, it makes it far easier for the reader to comprehend. However, I would like to praise you on your word choice, you've got a real knack for picking the right words for the right lines.

| Posted on 2007-06-26 00:00:00 | by SlanderousLust | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?