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    dots Submission Name: Just A Reminderdots

    Author: AngelinDisguise
    ASL Info:    23/F/AUS
    Elite Ratio:    2.23 - 133/171/100
    Words: 204
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1109
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1219

       I Dont Know What This Is
    I guess Its Just Me Sharing My Emotions With The World
    This Poem Is The Truth About How I Fell Right Now
    if You Dont Like It Then Tell me Cause Criticism is Good

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsJust A Reminderdots

    your a reminder of what i had
    what i loved but could never keep
    what changed my life for the better
    but didnt matter in the end
    everything that i wanted
    but never what you needed
    just a reminder of the past
    and all the memories i love
    all the quiet dark nights
    just laying in your arms
    the train trips to the city
    i never wanted to end
    the warmth and tenderness of your kiss
    it always made me melt
    the single tear the ran down your face
    everytime you found out how i felt
    its all a reminder
    of how happy i used to be
    the girl you see now is me
    it took time longer then i thought
    just a reminder of how powerful you were
    but how gentle you would touch
    the peoms you write the words you say
    could always sum me up
    you knew more then i ever thought
    probably more then i even know
    but like i said its just a reminder of how
    PERFECT you were
    and how UNPERFECT things are now
    Just a reminder of everything i felt
    everything ill never forget
    Cause out of my whole life
    your the only thing I DONT REGRET

    Submitted on 2007-06-25 06:47:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      [your] a reminder of what i had = you're
    the single tear [the] ran down your face = that
    [its] all a reminder = it's
    it took time longer [then] i thought = than
    the [peoms] you [write] the words you say = poems/wrote [you gotta have wrote to keep the tense consistant throughout the piece]
    you knew more [then] i ever thought = than
    probably more [then] i even know = than
    [your] the only thing I DONT REGRET = you're

    i think you repeat yourself too much in this piece. understanding that losing love is a hard thing to work through and that thinking about it can make one cry and their thoughts get all muddled and so the expression of it can be hard but... this doesnt really interest anyone outside of the writer and the intended audience [which in this case is the one you write for/about]

    so. i would think about cutting out some of the repetition.
    about making this more appealing to readers outside of the situation. try to write it in such a way that they are able to put themselves into the shoes of the writer... make them FEEL the loss! make them remember the memories. make them live the train rides...
    you have the power to use words to do that... its a challenge but i think thats what writing is all about.

    think about putting some punctuation. that will help you realise which ideas are repeated and need/could be removed.
    also think about stanza breaks.
    i think to run this thing right through without opportunity for the reader to pause and take a breath and reflect on what theyve read and what it makes them feel is quite a waste of the emotion you have obviously poured into this piece.

    because even though i cannot relate to this piece at all in its current form it is more than evident that you have poured a whole lot of yourself into this piece and that is something that is hard to do... so keep working at it... rewrite this piece and see what you can do with it. if you want any help you can PM me...
    good luck
    | Posted on 2007-07-02 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a really emotional poem, thankyou for sharing it. This may sound cheesy (sorry about this if it does) but sometimes being honest helps, bottling things up can just make things worse.
    | Posted on 2007-06-25 00:00:00 | by Lord Bane | [ Reply to This ]

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