Description: I Dont Know What This Is
I guess Its Just Me Sharing My Emotions With The World
This Poem Is The Truth About How I Fell Right Now
if You Dont Like It Then Tell me Cause Criticism is Good
Just A Reminder -------------------------------------------
your a reminder of what i had
what i loved but could never keep
what changed my life for the better
but didnt matter in the end
everything that i wanted
but never what you needed
just a reminder of the past
and all the memories i love
all the quiet dark nights
just laying in your arms
the train trips to the city
i never wanted to end
the warmth and tenderness of your kiss
it always made me melt
the single tear the ran down your face
everytime you found out how i felt
its all a reminder
of how happy i used to be
the girl you see now is me
it took time longer then i thought
just a reminder of how powerful you were
but how gentle you would touch
the peoms you write the words you say
could always sum me up
you knew more then i ever thought
probably more then i even know
but like i said its just a reminder of how
PERFECT you were
and how UNPERFECT things are now
Just a reminder of everything i felt
everything ill never forget
Cause out of my whole life
your the only thing I DONT REGRET
[your] a reminder of what i had = you're
the single tear [the] ran down your face = that
[its] all a reminder = it's
it took time longer [then] i thought = than
the [peoms] you [write] the words you say = poems/wrote [you gotta have wrote to keep the tense consistant throughout the piece]
you knew more [then] i ever thought = than
probably more [then] i even know = than
[your] the only thing I DONT REGRET = you're
i think you repeat yourself too much in this piece. understanding that losing love is a hard thing to work through and that thinking about it can make one cry and their thoughts get all muddled and so the expression of it can be hard but... this doesnt really interest anyone outside of the writer and the intended audience [which in this case is the one you write for/about]
so. i would think about cutting out some of the repetition.
about making this more appealing to readers outside of the situation. try to write it in such a way that they are able to put themselves into the shoes of the writer... make them FEEL the loss! make them remember the memories. make them live the train rides...
you have the power to use words to do that... its a challenge but i think thats what writing is all about.
think about putting some punctuation. that will help you realise which ideas are repeated and need/could be removed.
also think about stanza breaks.
i think to run this thing right through without opportunity for the reader to pause and take a breath and reflect on what theyve read and what it makes them feel is quite a waste of the emotion you have obviously poured into this piece.
because even though i cannot relate to this piece at all in its current form it is more than evident that you have poured a whole lot of yourself into this piece and that is something that is hard to do... so keep working at it... rewrite this piece and see what you can do with it. if you want any help you can PM me...