Once upon a time in a magical kingdom—
Or so they say, I never thought kingdoms were all that magical—
There was a young man who lived with his father and two brothers. His name was Cinder-lad. Cinder-lad was useless, all he ever did was sit around the ashes and loaf about all day—
To tell you the truth, no one was ever that lazy, you couldn’t afford to be.
His father called them to attention once; their field of hay was being eaten, down to the very soil. This was bad, because their hay was the only merchandise they had, and without it, they would starve.
I know better than to try to tell you that part is true; commoners do not have to live off their hay sales. Most of the time, they just grow their own food.
Cinder-lad’s father gathered the brothers and told them, that someone would have to go and watch the hay. They were to stay there all night and not leave for anything. Whatever happened, he wanted the culprit captured!
I have a point to this, I do. Really!
Like a good boy, the eldest man stepped forward, “Father, I will go and watch the hay.” He declared broadly. It was set. Harry was to go and watch the hay. Harry readied himself and with best wishes, he took off into the evening to watch the hay.
Harry lay in the barn for a couple hours when he began to get drowsy. He’d promised himself not to fall asleep, but he did anyway. It was about midnight and the ground began to shake!! He was so terrified he ran out the back way and he didn’t come back. The next morning, he kicked himself, because all the hay was gone.
Well now, we saw that coming didn’t we? I’m just going to skip a couple pages. Generally what happens is: His father is distraught, the next year, it happens again with the second son and then Cinder-lad gets a turn. No one thinks he can do it, ‘cause he’s useless! But he proves them wrong! He goes to the barn to sleep there, the ground shakes and…
Cinder-lad held on for dear life, there was crashing and booming, and then…all was quiet. He crept slowly out to see what it was, when to his surprise, he found a brown horse with pure bronze armor, fit for a knight on top.
In case you think that’s the end of his story, you’re wrong. Cinder lad goes back a second year, he finds a black horse with silver armor and the third year he gets a white horse with gold armor. I don’t know all the particulars, but they’re not very important.
The king of the kingdom decided to have a competition—
Here we go. This is the part I wanted you to see.
There was a glass hill, fifty feet high and sleek as a glass window. He promised anyone who could climb that glass hill and take the golden apple from the princess who sat atop it, that they could have half the kingdom and her hand in marriage.
Am I the only one who sees anything wrong with this? Argh! I won’t leave you hanging, so I’ll finish the story real quick…skip to the end…
“Don’t you have a brother?” The king asked Harry and Karl, “We have a younger brother” he said, “But Cinder-lad’s good for nothing. There’s no way he’d…” The king interrupted, “Never you mind! Bring him here!
They brought Cinder-lad, caked in soot and grime, wearing a thick gray cloak. He knelt before the king. The king said, “Cinder-lad, do you have golden apple?”
Cinder-lad gave a coy grin and suddenly threw off his cloak to reveal the golden armor and in his hands he held the golden apple. Cinder-lad got half the kingdom and the princess’s hand in marriage and they lived happily ever after.
Waaaiit a minute!! Rewind! What’s wrong with this story!? Besides the fact that the king wouldn’t know his subjects all by name… The princess! There are only ten sentences counted in the entire story that refers to her at all! Do they realize what kind of life changing event is taking place? Has anyone ever thought about how she might feel? Does anyone even care!? They throw that happily ever after crap at the end of every story. Haven’t you heard? We princesses are given away like trophies!
Ever heard about the boy who learned to shudder? He stayed the night in a haunted castle and won a princess.
Or how about the Twelve Dancing Princesses? The soldier found out where they danced and he won the princess.
Rapunzel, Briar Rose, Iron Hans, Ever single story with a princess. It’s about a man, but the princess is unimportant. I’m fed up with this; I’m fed up with everything they’ve tried to say. I will not marry him. I will not and no one can make me.