Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Under the Lighthousedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    57/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2777/1297/258
    Words: 724
    Class/Type: Prose/Misc
    Total Views: 789
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 5289



    Description:
       ~hmmm...~


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUnder the Lighthousedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Under The Lighthouse


    Thank you for coming with me. I don’t think this story wants to tell itself, really, I…

    Then you tell it. Was this where he fell?

    No. Yes. Really, he jumped…Donnie…he made his great escape from here.

    And this is the first time you’ve been here since then?

    Yeah, a year ago. A year and a day…today.

    So you came here to…

    To see if I could get to the other side of this…to find an answer, peace, healing…no…I don’t know. The …last time I saw a ribbon slide through the wind it tangled in a branch. I thought that’s…how he’d look, torn to pieces on the rocks, draped over stone. But…he wasn’t there.

    Well...where was he then?

    I’m not sure. Vanished, slick as a well turned phrase. That’s something he used to say…He could be magic with words, as if they were an itch in his brain he needed to share. Full of words, full of ideas, fearless, but…easily swayed, impressionable.

    Gullible?

    No…no, the opposite, really. If he believed something it became a religion for him. I think it occupied time and space. Like God. His gift was convincing us his dreams were real…and sometimes…his nightmares.

    I’ll never forget his great revelation that virgin blood could make him levitate…

    You mean-drinking blood?

    Yeah. They sent him to see a psychologist after he bit this girl on the neck. He…said over and over as they led him away ‘I need to drink girl’s blood,’ ‘I need to taste blood.’ He left school for a long time…but eventually-

    He came back?

    As if it was all a dream. He would say he was wrestling to express his ‘vampire avatar’…his nightmare, Lugosi, Dracula…self. He was convinced, obsessed and very…unapologetic.

    And you think this is how people overwhelmed with stress shed their skin? Fantasy?

    Maybe. I’m not sure…I don’t believe the obsession ever left him. From nine years old on it…possessed him.

    And then…

    And then we came here because he said he heard a legend that things-anything-tossed from the top of the tower were misplaced, lost, transformed?...I don’t know, but we came here and lobbed a few quarters over the rail of the lighthouse. We couldn’t see exactly where they went…they drifted off course and we lost them…even in the glint of an overcast sky they…vanished.

    So, what did Donnie do afterwards?

    He fixed his eyes over the railing, hesitated a second, told me how close the ground seemed…then he smiled. ‘Watch this,’ he said, ‘I’m magic.’

    And he jumped. And I…froze.

    And that’s when he vanished? Like the coins?

    Try telling that to the police. After the world snapped into place I reported the …particulars.

    And?

    And I was called everything from a prankster to a killer…to delusional. Questioned, grilled, released and ignored.

    And Donnie?

    They said he cleared the spit of land beneath the lighthouse and landed in the bay…washed out to sea…sucked under the waves.

    And you have your…doubts?

    I…think he believed himself somewhere else…he wished himself away.

    I have a confession to make.

    Hmmm? What?

    I’ve heard this story before. A little differently, of course. But very much the same.

    Wha…really? I just met you, how…

    Do you think we’re here, at the ‘scene of the crime’ by accident? Really?

    Who told you…

    Donnie did. He flew to my window…after he left here. To…convert me.

    He stole virgin blood from you?

    No. Actually, I ‘stole’ it from him. We were…close, after the fact.

    My G…You were lovers?

    He was half right. Virgin blood can do wondrous things…because desire is greatest before fulfillment, most potent and …delicious…

    Who…

    Would you like closure? Fulfillment?

    Your eyes…

    You possess the same desire…I smell it.

    The ground looks closer…

    Would you like to fly?




    Submitted on 2007-06-27 14:46:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      holy [censored] again. im gonna have to start looking for these dialog driven yarns you keep spinning. its a very quaint constraint. bare and fleshy. love it.

    the distinction and the fact that donnie is only mentioned conversationally makes him all the more real and all the more interesting. left me thinking, who is this kid donnie? how did you dream him up? donnie is so clearly written here and believable. he isnt even there. a double constraint, no sign of exposition, and no main character. madnessss!

    from the time donnie took "flight" or great escape, which was a year and a day from the events of this specific timeline- the first speaker's character is also very clear, in his voice audible, and the tinge of wistfulness and nostalgia there. as was his guilt. he seems to be an old playmate of donnie's. possibly his best friend. and was willing to confide with a known acquaintance of donnie.

    the fact that they were lovers seemed to escape him, and the second speaker shrouded in mystery, showing what the first speaker didnt know about his magical and whimsical friend. which counterbalances the whole thing quite exquisitely. the mystery of the two, donnie and his lover. the twist again in the end, seems more like a by product, not so much as twist, but a revelation, a conclusion, a climax to this particular tale.

    now im kicking myself for having read mr and missing first! but [censored] it. faving this one too. im such an ass kisser. lol.
    | Posted on 2007-07-25 00:00:00 | by Pietro | [ Reply to This ]
      You write very well, but I think you know that. I have only one criticism. The turn the respondent takes in the narrative is somewhat unlikely. At first it seems she does not know what happened, and then it is revealed that she knows more than the protagonist. It would take more words to explain away this anomaly than is contained in the dialogue itself. Stylistically really nice, might make a good piece for performing at an eisteddfod once revised.
    | Posted on 2007-07-10 00:00:00 | by Lelik | [ Reply to This ]
      ive read this a couple of times now.

    what attracts me to your prose right now is the way you use conversational narratives to create your characters and story.
    i am in awe of this because you are so cunning about the way you piece your pieces together... now me... when i try to write conversations... well... i suck... theyre so obvious and predictable and theres none of the mystery you seem to create.

    what i like about this piece is that... that one person seems to shaken up and the way they speak is so... broken... like theyre trying to make sense of events and their response to them and try to make sense and not look weak all at the same time and that is quite an effort.

    then you have the voice of the person who i assumed was giving comfort to this first person... but then at the end this voice seemed to complete morph into something else completely...

    you always seem to be able to bring unbelievable twists into your work and i suck them up and believe. and i have no idea how you do that.


    and then you end it with a question...
    and the reader is left to go over the pieces of dialogue to decide whether the person will jump or not.
    i can hear in their voice the skepticism when the second voice starts revealing who they are and what they know but that skepticism seems to... soften? and the ground seems closer and the story seems more and more viable somehow... is it because this person is very convincing or perhaps because the first person so desperately wants to believe...?


    when they tell of them throwing stuff off the side before he threw himself i thought of two things... the first was the scene in forrest gump when jenny says to forrest on the bridge after he "saved" her from the stage about being a bird and flying... off the bridge... and forrest says "what do you mean jenny?"

    the other thing it reminded me of was the song 'ode to billy joe' i dunno if you know it but i know it word for word which is kinda funny considering my age but yeah... thats what it reminded me of...


    ...yeah...
    | Posted on 2007-06-29 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      This tale drew me in, and left me quite glad that I stayed to read on,
    rather than skipping over a story submission,
    which is what I usually do.
    I must get out of that habit...
    I'd hate to miss a story that catches my mind like this one did.


    I think what I enjoyed most about this tale is the pace at which it's spun out.
    Seems relatively typical at first; an easy walk on a fairly straight road.
    But, the lay of the land and the condition of the road changes with increasing rapidity,
    and then you're hanging over a cliff...
    asking the reader if they'd like to fly.
    Super cool, imho.
    I also like the way the 'ground looks closer' comes before the invitation to fly...

    Thanks for an enjoyable read.
    | Posted on 2007-06-28 00:00:00 | by latentlylyrical | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, that took a dramatic turn to what i thought was going on here. at the start, i thought maybe a scene of an alcatraz escape..the guard recalling what he seen to the warden and such.

    this definitely took a quite interesting twist. i think on this part though....

    Donnie did. He flew to my window…after he left here. To…convert me.

    He stole virgin blood from you?

    No. Actually, I ‘stole’ it from him. We were…close, after the fact


    ...i think this came a little suddenly...before that, i was being eased into the story with extreme curiosity, and then BAM...

    as for this part....

    Would you like closure? Fulfillment?

    Your eyes…

    You possess the same desire…I smell it.

    The ground looks closer…

    Would you like to fly?


    ...such a great ending with that question. it's like an ending thats not really an ending...like tossing a coin over the side and causing speculation to follow.

    very interesting bill

    take care


    | Posted on 2007-06-27 00:00:00 | by MmR | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    145666

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry