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    dots Submission Name: fourth dimension contemplationdots

    Author: wovenwords
    ASL Info:    19/F/Washington
    Elite Ratio:    2.46 - 108/303/189
    Words: 290
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 819
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1850


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    dotsfourth dimension contemplationdots

    called and automatically
    got your answering machine
    since when was this worth it?
    it's fluctuated to the point of
    lying on a flat plane of space
    and nothing makes much of a difference
    any longer

    how long can a thing go on before
    it runs out of space and time and momentum
    before it twists and turns and careens
    into the fourth dimension and morphs...
    well it's morphed and gotten mishapen
    to the point where i can't touch it
    or assess it the way i used to
    we used to lie beneath the sky at dusk
    we used to lie through our teeth when we had to

    elation is scarce in mid-day ponderings
    our minds were always fallible
    the present was never tangible
    but we pretended we could touch it
    like a cloth of the finest silk
    but it wasn't silk, was it
    it was my grandma's sweater
    smelling of mothballs
    like it smelled in the closet
    where you kissed me in November.

    i'll travel far away for you
    across highways of rugged tar
    and wish on every minute of the clock
    just to see if it really does work
    the wind will blow in direction of my car
    and push me back back back
    it'll push me and whisper
    back back back
    comfort doesn't want you
    back back back

    i stray away from cliché
    so i love you in a strange way
    unknown to many
    known to many,
    i wouldn't know
    i've never been too keen on other people's feelings
    but in my mind i hold you as high
    as a supreme being
    and you treat me like a commoner
    but it's okay, it's okay
    i love you in a strange way.

    Submitted on 2007-06-27 14:49:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I really like your style, I think that we think alike. I like your randomness and tangents. I feel like I really am in your head when I read your work. I have a few little issues with your repetition in the 3rd stanza. You repeat silk, and you kinda repeat with smelling and smelled.
    I tried tinkering/rewording, and couldn't come up with anything, and then I read it again, and it didn't sound so bad. I just always try not to be repetitious unless it is a pattern in my poems. But it's not really that big of a deal.
    Great work,
    | Posted on 2007-11-10 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ]
      "we used to lie beneath the sky at dusk
    we used to lie through our teeth when we had to"

    I really like these lines especially. Sigh. This poetic meandering through dirty laundry (grandma's sweater and closets! hm!) is very interesting to me. I like the details you give... I often find myself liking concrete details in poems and songs—not just general statements, for example you could have said
    "It smelled of dust in the closet where you kissed me"
    but instead you gave us more details of mothballs and
    "where you kissed me in November." I like the details.

    "but it's okay, it's okay
    i love you in a strange way."

    I love your last lines very much.
    | Posted on 2007-06-28 00:00:00 | by LucyDiamond | [ Reply to This ]

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