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    dots Submission Name: My Dark Placedots

    Author: black_beauty18
    ASL Info:    25/Female/Hutchinson, KS
    Elite Ratio:    4.04 - 153/146/46
    Words: 82
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 683
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 454

       Another depression piece... I seem to be getting very good at these! Tell me what you think!

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Dark Placedots

    That which I once so feared, I now eagerly await,
    My eyes closed, I anticipate my Fate.
    Each day all I know is pain, my will to live is gone,
    At night I hope I'll never wake, because I simply can't go on.
    Try as I may, I can't climb from this hole,
    The unending sadness has finally taken its toll.
    Silently I weep as I prepare to end my pain,
    For the first time in so long, I feel no shame.

    Submitted on 2007-06-27 15:07:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      GJ black_beauty. Nice use of vagueness for your own advantage and great comparisons. Inspired as I was, I'll try to the resist the temptation to use them.

    The poem itself could have had another stanza explaining deeper. I don't think I quite felt your pain as I read it, so it wasn't as moving as I hoped it was. But overall, you unwrapped your story out of its place and fed it to us like hungry baby birds.

    And also, I especially connected to how you don't elaborate too much, because even detail can kill the vague yet beautiful sadness. Just a little more vague stanzas filled with comparisons of your pain to something dreadful would have pushed it over to "Wow!", but I'll think I'll go with "Pretty cool."

    So, nice use of words and comparisons (mostly metaphors). Good job making us sad and being vague for your own advantage. But great poem altogether.

    Also, "fate" must be lowercase!!!
    | Posted on 2007-06-28 00:00:00 | by Bumbeak | [ Reply to This ]

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