Description: This is a re- write. I wrote the original version last year and I made the proper changes a couple of months ago but just now I concluded and post the purported final version of one of the most salient poems of my alleged writing career. Needless to say, I no longer feel that way.
Hope you can have a look at it and tell me what you think. I'd very much appreciate your doing so. Please comment on what- so -ever issue you find relevant... If you so do I promise I'd take a look at your stuff and comment on them.
Reading stanaza's one and two I felt this is about someone meaning yourself.
You have gone to the top of your career.
But being there with no one by your side means nothing to you.
Stanaz three I feel there once was a love that light your heart but it vansihed leaving you alone.
Stanaza four,
you have been hurt and your heart has taken a hit for the worse,yet you are not giving up because you still have a craving to be loved
Stanza five,
Is sad it seems that you have given up on the human race for all its done is let you down
Stanza six,
you were dealing with empty minds who do not feel like you do in this life,like they have a caustion sign up to hide their hearts.
All an all i feel there is someone out there for everyone...all i say to you is never give up on finding the person you were meant to be with.You may have to date a few people before you find the right person who you want to spend the rest of your life with but in the end it will be worth it....All the best to you
Bruised and shattered is my heart
Craving for the ceaseless passion,
That I haven’t felt so far
And that I covet so badly to have.
I now state in these lousy lines
How much I deplore human life,
For not giving me the hope
That I so strongly desire,
For conceiving anorexic minds
Which do not feel the same as I.
Let alone yield
What is tightly hidden in their hearts!
Good to see you again, Ethan.
I can only assume you've had a few experiences with society at large/ people in general/ peers that left you numb, unappreciated and alone (perhaps even playing the part of the outsider in conversation and relationships). What others appear to give to one another so freely seems witheld from you (and requires more effort on your part to enjoy). For that reason, the emotion in this post is harder to grasp because it's been blunted over time by low expectations; the sense that 'no one is listening, why explain it any further.'
It's good to know that you no longer feel this way.
Take care.
Bill.
can you reach 'in' the summit?
in my mind the summit is the peak and therefore you would simply say 'reached the summit'...?
ummm...
this piece doesnt really seem to have any depth to it.
as i read it i cannot find any emotion to identify with and i cannot find your overall point in writing this.
now it could be your use of 4 line stanzas that has made this piece seem forced and hard to follow. i am not a fan of 4 line stanza pieces because it seems that a lot of people have come to rely on this structure as some kind of magical formula.. a one size fits all pattern and yet, like any structure, it doesnt fit everything.
i do not think it aids your cause in this case. i think it causes you to restrict your message by trying to contain it all in 4 lines.
perhaps try to find something more concrete to base this piece on too... an image that will give the reader something to relate to. something that isnt vague.
what is the cold empty floor you mention in the first stanza...? how can one climb to the summit and the summit be a floor? where was starting point then...?
I may be regretful and riled
For having seen such a thing.
Because there might be nobody
Who can accompany me here.
what is 'such a thing'? and where is 'here'?
you gotta be more specific because i could say "sure... 'here' is the summit and the summit is the floor..." but i dont understand how that works so my arguement falls flat somehow...
Ignited intentions were once felt
But they soon vanished away.
Now I’ve come here afresh
And all I perceive is pure dismay.
what were the 'intentions'?
why did you come back? was it intentional that you came back or did you just kinda end up here... and why the dismay...?
i get the idea things were sposed to be different somehow... is that the reason for dismay...?
Bruised and shattered is my heart
Craving for the ceaseless passion,
That I haven’t felt so far
And that I covet so badly to have.
what is this passion oriented toward? is it a person? a feeling? an experience? and why is it you crave/covet it...? is it something you think will make you whole/complete? is it something you think you are missing out or something that will make you more superior or something...?
I now state in these lousy lines
How much I deplore human life,
For not giving me the hope
That I so strongly desire,
why depend on others to give you hope? if you base your life on what others make you feel you will live a very turbulent and unstable life...
For conceiving anorexic minds
Which do not feel the same as I.
Let alone yield
What is tightly hidden in their hearts!
why should these minds feel the same as you do when you havent really told the reader what it is you feel...?
that doesnt seem to make any sense or hold any weight as an arguement...
as for the last two lines i feel that they arent really anything... they dont even seem to make grammatic sense to me...
sorry... i have no idea what it is you are trying to say through this piece and i promise i have tried. perhaps a rewrite is in order...?
Submission Name: Self – Ostracized Heart(Re - write)
