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Spawn of Desire


Author: SlanderousLust
ASL Info:    21/Q/Four inches from you
Elite Ratio:    5.15 - 89 /137 /74
Words: 114
Class/Type: Poetry /
Total Views: 1770
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 773



Description:


Origins


Spawn of Desire



Two teens,
One goal,
Gratification.

I was the product,
the punishment.

I was an accident,
a fluke.

I'm the avatar of Lust,
the soul of misjudged desire.

I'm the handful of sand that wins the fight,
I'm the static, ruining your song.

I live because they failed,
I breathe because of an accepted risk.

I was born out of lust, but will I end in it?
I'd like to think I'm a not a product of my environment, more a product of 'fate',
But whose fate? my own? or the fate of one who makes fleshly desisions?

Removed from my environment, will I fade?
or flourish?




Submitted on 2007-07-01 17:30:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  This is interesting. I too was an accident (or 'surprise' as my parents prefer to call it). I like to think it doesn't matter whether your birth was intended or not; you're here now and no less valid than anyone else. Fade or flounder is up to you.

Back to the poem, like I said, it's a very interesting idea. It gets off to a very promising start too, but the lack of structure towards the end irks me somewhat. The ending is just a list of questions, which contain interesting thoughts that aren't as developed or eloquently expressed as they could be.

I do like how you've started most of the lines with 'I', as a way of asserting your existence, planned or not.

I'd be interested to see a rewrite of this, with some tweaking done to the last two stanzas.

Thanks for the thought-provoking piece.

T x
| Posted on 2007-07-02 00:00:00 | by tulip | [ Reply to This ]
  Two teens,
One goal,
Gratification.

I was the product,
the punishment.

I was an accident,
a fluke.

I'm the avatar of Lust,
the soul of misjudged desire.

I'm the handful of sand that wins the fight,
I'm the static, ruining your song.

I live because they failed,
I breathe because of an accepted risk.

I was born out of lust, but will I end in it?
I'd like to think I'm a not a product of my environment, more a product of 'fate',
But whose fate? my own? or the fate of one who makes fleshly desisions?

Removed from my environment, will I fade?
or flourish?



My...the offspring of a love gone wrong or (more likely considering the depth of pseudo-angst and submission to 'fate'), the love left to embrace when something more tangible (read 'durable') is nowhere to be found? The immediate thought that jumped from the monitor like a commando was a sense of sex as the glue holding two aimless souls together. That leads to quite a bit of meandering DNA for one child to be blessed with.

Interesting write, Sir Slanderous.
Bill.
| Posted on 2007-07-01 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  "I'm the handful of sand that wins the fight,"
That line right there is perfect for the imagery of your poem, it was the perfect image, I applaud you over a million times for that, it touched my soul. As for the poem in itself, I like that it's self analytic. As for wondering if you would fade, I don't think so, seeing as you have already left the world with this. Poetry is your higher self speaking in tongues. Hehehe. Anyhow, the poem was amazing, the beginning and the imagery was fantastic. That will forever be my favorite.
"I live because they failed."
I think that is the one time when a person can get something precious from a failure. I just want you to know that life can never be a mistake, ever. This poem was brilliant in itself, and it had an interesting topic, and I think others in this situation can take solace in knowing that they are not the only ones with doubts from experiences such as yours.
Be well,
~Azura*
| Posted on 2007-07-01 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]
  first of all i have to say your pic is... beautiful. you look at that heart the way an infant looks at everything... with awe and wonder... dunno if that was intented but thats all i see...


i cannot decide whether i like the end of this or not.
it seems to bust out into question after question which is usually signs of angsty teen writes and yet... having checked out other pieces you have written i know you have more of a grasp on writing than that...
but then... in a situation like this what is there but questions...?
there arent any answers because they havent been lived yet...


it seems brilliant to me the way you have

i was
i am
i live

as some kind of progression throughout this piece. a subtle way of marking the passing of time i guess...

the way you tell this story until the second last 'stanza' is great.
your imagery and use of words is good. you seem so intentional... like you KNOW what you want the reader to hear/see throughout this piece. there is very little room for deviation or self identification.
i think it takes skill to be able to give the reader something and not have them wanting to find more... you know? and you have done that well here...

i love the way this piece grows too just like a foetus grows... starts off small... one word lines and then starts to develop into full sentences and such...
i dont know if you did that on purpose but i really think its well done.

this is a very well thought through piece.
| Posted on 2007-07-01 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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