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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Streets of My Minddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: disturbedx1000
    ASL Info:    28/m/ny
    Elite Ratio:    3.67 - 204/326/124
    Words: 292
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 845
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2132



    Description:
       i read someones work and desided to follow it's example to write about the hardships of life... i desided to focus on the people and empty solitude of the world...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStreets of My Minddots
    -------------------------------------------


    in this world *sigh*
    ..i've become acustomed,
    to a life of loneliness and sollitude...

    the people... realy arn't people,
    just piles of dust and dirt...
    with there overpassing stares...

    these empty streets in my mind,
    are empty with no memories,
    to decorate each corner...

    in here... i walk alone,
    the dust of those thought to be friends...
    blow on by as if never to have been,

    no windows whole nor clear,
    never to show...
    the happiness they once protected,

    as i walk in winding ways,
    shadows follow in my trace...
    turning back i see the face,

    myself within the shadows,
    the shadows of a dark allyway...
    a self image stands confused...

    the streets that were there,
    coroded and beaten by time...
    fade into this new image,

    a shadow paradise...
    the buildings here,
    so very clear...

    the plains of glass new,
    the shine of lights within the dark...
    i find them so... so comforting,

    my eyes wide,
    i see inside,
    a place where i belong...

    this dark town,
    no one around...
    to cause me pain, misery...

    no more dust and gloom...
    just the shine of darkness,
    to embrace my being...

    as i am pulled...
    into this loving void...
    the town crumbles into dust...

    i fall from it's embrace...
    into the dusty streets,
    into the view of hollow stares,

    upon this fall,
    i lose all will,
    to stay...

    in this dreamland...
    no... my reality,
    and so...

    i awake...
    into a meaningless life,
    with cold, emptiness...

    from dust to stone,
    broken biuldings to solid houses...
    and the worst of them all...

    from the dirt and dust figures...
    to the cold heartless bastards...
    who share my realm...




    Submitted on 2007-07-01 20:42:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      ..i've become acustomed = accustomed
    to a life of loneliness and sollitude... = solitude
    the people... realy arn't people, = really/aren't
    the shadows of a dark allyway =alleyway
    coroded and beaten by time = corroded
    broken biuldings to solid houses = building
    with there overpassing stares = their

    you prolly ought to discover spell checker


    no offence but i dont think you have much of anything here.

    for one it rambles.
    there is nothing about it that attracts my attention and makes me want to read it.
    there are no concrete images and it just never ends. im not scared of long pieces but if they arent saying anything of consequence it seems like a waste of time.

    i am convinced you could find a more concise way of writing this.

    your use of ellipses is somewhat incorrect.
    the idea of ellipses is mostly to convey an un-ending idea. now if you are gonna have this many un-ending ideas in one piece i question the need/validity of writing it myself...

    what i think you should do is go through this piece and find similar ideas and group them together. see if theyre repeating each other [which in many places they are] and take out the repetitious ideas.
    create more concrete images to ground this piece more. the reader needs something to identify with... something to make them understand where you are coming from and what you are writing/experiencing.

    most people are aware of their own thought processes [which i assume to be thought of as streets of the mind here] with memories and things that they remember both in happiness and regret...

    give it a shot.
    what have you got to lose?
    see if you can make this piece more effective and more attractive to the readers mind/emotions/frame of reference.
    | Posted on 2007-07-01 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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    145939

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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