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    dots Submission Name: mood; the usualdots

    Author: in shadow
    ASL Info:    22/F/ nightmares
    Elite Ratio:    3.58 - 581/277/103
    Words: 107
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 752
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 678


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsmood; the usualdots

    a sixth sense and a murder of crows
    the blackbird symphony brings me to my knees
    i cannot
    go away
    not the way you promised
    i find myself lost
    the heart is where the hole is...yea
    the heart is where the hole is
    do you mind that i don't care
    as the rain comes i see my only love
    a sunburst inside me
    violent colors
    can you see
    i'm blind
    from the inside out
    i don't remember what it means to care
    only one speaks the words that make sense
    only one
    oh no here comes the sun and all the colors
    bleed to grey

    Submitted on 2007-07-02 15:43:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      It's brimming with context!!! WFT, mate??? Every one wants MORE- and when you give more- they all beg for LESS! Excess IS less!!! Simple, flow- pictures painted... Dudge, that is the best intro line to a poem I have EVER READ!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh- people split my head in twain!!! I mean, is the source really that significant???
    If you could throw in a rhyming line for the one ending in 'knees' that would be TIGHT! Oh, a sunburst inside? I speak your clear words, the ones that make sense- however muddled this comment may be! ;)
    I will say this- the feeling of it- of this- it's of a limitless potential. You could polish this, with some of these awesome lines you have, into a full blown oral orgasm. I kid you not. DO IT!
    What cheap blood in gray matters...

    | Posted on 2008-03-27 00:00:00 | by Ceyx | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with girly. I would also love to see some context to this poem. What exactly is making you feel this way?

    Here is an analogy that I like to use. You know in a horror film, that first girl to get killed off? You don't really know her yet because her character never had time to be developed. So although she sets up whatever is horrific about the rest of the movie, and when you understand what was going on later in the movie her death might mean something...in those first ten or fifteen minutes her death is not that important.

    This poem just makes me long for a back story- I bet it is just as interesting as the poem itself. I want to fast-forward through the rest of the movie and see what her deal was. Just a few lines would do it. For instance, in these lines:

    "the blackbird symphony brings me to my knees
    i cannot
    go away
    not the way you promised"

    I'm really interested to know what the promise was. And later, what made you (or whoever's voice this is) feel lost. And why your heart is gone and what you don't care about.

    Hope this was helpful,
    | Posted on 2008-03-12 00:00:00 | by Ettenna Izus | [ Reply to This ]
      You use a lot of kickass phrases, like "blackbird symphony."

    You have a way with words.

    | Posted on 2008-02-11 00:00:00 | by EEKS | [ Reply to This ]
    yeah i dont know what to say.

    i love it honestly
    i agree about the choppyness
    but other than that its amazing

    i could feel the emotion just pouring out of me.

    great peice
    | Posted on 2007-08-24 00:00:00 | by truthbetold | [ Reply to This ]
      Choke full of fine poetic languge throughtout--I love the "murder of crows" (how about "epiphany of larks"?) a sad and brooding piece, but very well and deftly done! bravo... bravo... bravo ... michael
    | Posted on 2007-08-13 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
      wow. rachelle this is my favorite so far of your writings. this is freakin amazing. I loved it!!!!
    | Posted on 2007-07-03 00:00:00 | by black rose13 | [ Reply to This ]
      Good job!
    I think this could be a song,if thats not what it already was ment as.

    What I dont understand is this-
    i cannot
    go away
    -why is it all chopped up?

    its good except like I said for the choppyness~safire
    | Posted on 2007-07-02 00:00:00 | by girly101 | [ Reply to This ]

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