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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: One Week Out of Fifty-twodots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: UnderlinedInRed
    ASL Info:    18/f/PA
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 196/262/123
    Words: 91
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1015
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 650



    Description:
       for my boyfriend, who I only get to see in the summer, when I visit the states.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOne Week Out of Fifty-twodots
    -------------------------------------------


    I'm praying to be by your side,
    Hoping,
    Theres no need to hide.

    Even if its just a week with you,
    Out
    Of fifty-two.

    Holding those soft hands,
    Waiting,
    For your demands.

    Because I will do what you want,
    I will,
    Live with your taunts.

    I will sacrifice my fears,
    To wait,
    All these years.

    And that shirt you left,
    Still
    Holds your scent.

    Pungent in my mind,
    Just
    Helps me to remind,
    Myself of the love I felt.
    Relieving
    Me of all my doubt.




    Submitted on 2007-07-04 19:07:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Overall I really liked this. I love the format you used with the two rhyming lines and the one word inbetween.

    Although, I do think that you should pay closer attention to the flow, regardless of what form is being used.

    For example

    "Even if its just a week with you,
    Out
    Of fifty-two."

    Out not being two syllables feels a bit off, and kinda jarring, and the third line also feels like maybe it should be a bit longer. Maybe something more like:

    Even if it's just a week with you
    out of
    all the fifty-two

    I also think it was a mistake to drop the rhyming in the last three stanzas (well the second to last rhymes, but you should change that one-syllable second line anyway). It's very distracting. I think you should rewrite them to incorporate your rhyming scheme, because the one you use here is very intriguing, and I think it's a shame not to carry it on to the end of the poem.

    Kudos, this was good. Keep writing.
    ~Venia
    | Posted on 2007-07-05 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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