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    dots Submission Name: One Week Out of Fifty-twodots

    Author: UnderlinedInRed
    ASL Info:    18/f/PA
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 196/262/123
    Words: 91
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1015
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 650

       for my boyfriend, who I only get to see in the summer, when I visit the states.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOne Week Out of Fifty-twodots

    I'm praying to be by your side,
    Theres no need to hide.

    Even if its just a week with you,
    Of fifty-two.

    Holding those soft hands,
    For your demands.

    Because I will do what you want,
    I will,
    Live with your taunts.

    I will sacrifice my fears,
    To wait,
    All these years.

    And that shirt you left,
    Holds your scent.

    Pungent in my mind,
    Helps me to remind,
    Myself of the love I felt.
    Me of all my doubt.

    Submitted on 2007-07-04 19:07:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Overall I really liked this. I love the format you used with the two rhyming lines and the one word inbetween.

    Although, I do think that you should pay closer attention to the flow, regardless of what form is being used.

    For example

    "Even if its just a week with you,
    Of fifty-two."

    Out not being two syllables feels a bit off, and kinda jarring, and the third line also feels like maybe it should be a bit longer. Maybe something more like:

    Even if it's just a week with you
    out of
    all the fifty-two

    I also think it was a mistake to drop the rhyming in the last three stanzas (well the second to last rhymes, but you should change that one-syllable second line anyway). It's very distracting. I think you should rewrite them to incorporate your rhyming scheme, because the one you use here is very intriguing, and I think it's a shame not to carry it on to the end of the poem.

    Kudos, this was good. Keep writing.
    | Posted on 2007-07-05 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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