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    dots Submission Name: So This is What Jefferson Meant.dots

    Author: wovenwords
    ASL Info:    19/F/Washington
    Elite Ratio:    2.46 - 108/303/189
    Words: 180
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 647
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 2369


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSo This is What Jefferson Meant.dots

    Oh, say, can you see?

    We're plucking words carefully from our mouths,
    afraid they'll die out,
    as we gaze at fireworks that fade away
    before they even hit the ground...
                                                 ...we faded away
               before we even hit the ground running.

    You're sketching hearts in the dirt with a stick,
    and I even it out with a hand of bitterness.

    The acrid smell of sulfur
    permeates the air
                   and we're dying just to breathe in
                                  the mess we've made.

    I've driven you away
    but the rocket's red glare--
    it's proof you're still there...
                    ....we all fall down sometimes.

    Your car's sitting on the driveway again...
                   got nowhere else to go, you say,
    and to be terribly honest
                   there's nowhere else I want you to be.
    But I claim that it's stale, it was over before it started,
    oh, say, can't you see?
                   I live in the land of the free!

    I suppose
    there was a reason they called it

                                             Independence Day.

    Submitted on 2007-07-05 02:29:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      In-detailed critique that you requested:

    Your poem is well done. I love your vocabulary and the way you word your sentences. I like the point of the poem, or, at least, what I can gather of it, and I did enjoy reading it. The metaphors you used do show that you've thought this all through and that it is, in fact, a well-done piece of writing.

    Perhaps the only thing that I didn't like about it was the structure, and, to me, the structure of a piece of writing is an important factor. I don't like to read a piece of writing that has a messy structure, simply because this does distract me. As I say, though, the poem itself is a good piece of work, and you have done a good job. It's just the writing itself that is a little messy... For example, you have sentences that may have been centered and have come out a little messy after submission to this site. It's just things like this that are quite a nuisance.

    I'm not trying to knock or anything, because, as you know, I do like the poem. You've done a good job, and I will check out more of your stuff a little later. It's good, and you should definitely carry on.

    The only reason I gave a 3 is solely because of the structure, and not the poem itself. Don't let it get to you.
    | Posted on 2007-07-05 00:00:00 | by KasPeR88 | [ Reply to This ]
      I'd love to critique this in detail, but, for some reason, I don't have the words. Instead, I'll give you a 3. I didn't really like the structure, though. Maybe you could recite this?
    | Posted on 2007-07-05 00:00:00 | by KasPeR88 | [ Reply to This ]

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