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    dots Submission Name: Burn My Fair Ladydots

    Author: Shadows Life
    Elite Ratio:    4.4 - 127/127/27
    Words: 110
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 954
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 678

       well, its been a while since i posted i hope u enjoy it The Fair Lady is Lebanon which has been going through alot of violence and madness as of late.,

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBurn My Fair Ladydots

    Burn my Fair Lady; Burn to the ground
    A dirge of silence without a sound
    A stream of bullets set the beat
    Black clouds rising in every street

    Burn my Fair Lady; Burn some more
    Athirst for power that eats the core
    The truth lost in shades of lies
    drowned by violence the country dies

    Burn my Fair Lady; burn for tears
    Lost in darkness for many years
    Judged by time condemned by fate
    Mad with greed consumed by hate

    Burn my Fair Lady; Burn for Tomorrow
    Lest days of joy taint our sorrow
    Let madness spiral up ahead
    and Fire purge the living and dead.

    Submitted on 2007-07-05 02:54:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      at first i wasnt a fan of 'my fair lady' being that it is the title of a quite well known musical/film/thing but once i got beyond that i quite enjoyed this piece.

    i think venia's suggestion of burn my fair lady; burn to the ground... is a very good one. i was thinking as i read the piece that there ought to be more of am emphasis there. because it would be too easy to read those lines without pause missing the effect completely.

    im not sure if its just me or not but the end doesnt seem to be a happy one...?
    i was hoping that the end would show promise of a bright future or something.
    dont get me wrong... i am not into fantasy but well... i kinda have some sense of justice that countries that have suffered so much ought to come out on top eventually somehow...
    not on top of the world... just on top of the crap theyve been through mostly...

    i think you have utilised 4 line stanzas and rhyme well here. there are so many ppl on this site who abuse this form as if it were a one size fits all magic formula so i am always impressed when i see evidence of it working effectively

    i like it when people are able to write about something real like this. it seems such a refreshing change from all the love/emo/cutting/depressed pieces...

    well done
    | Posted on 2007-07-05 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Overall this was really great. It made a statement, it was original, and it flowed nicely in most places. Just a couple suggestions.

    1.) Punctuation would really help you out here, and would make it easier to read.

    In stead of "Burn my Fair Lady Burn to the ground."

    use a comma or a period or a semicolon, etc, etc and write it as "Burn my Fair Lady; burn to the ground."

    and in the last line, you have one too many syllables, which is really a shame, because a bad last line can completely ruin a poem.

    I think you'd be just fine if instead of "living and the dead" it was just living and dead. It means the same thing, and you restore your flow.

    Good job. Keep writing.
    | Posted on 2007-07-05 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]

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