Beauty inside by wordsofmind

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Submission Name: Beauty inside dots

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Author:	wordsofmind
ASL Info:	18/F/Quebec, Canada
Elite Ratio:	5.44 - 178/180/57
Words:	136

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	135
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	877

Description:
Comparison between outer and inner beauty. I hope it's worth it.

Beauty inside dots

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She walks so tall
In her stilettos
And stands so shapely
In her body
She has round lips
Seducing men
And healthy hair
A women’s envy
Her skin is silk and satin
Her fragrance is a rose
Her voice is soft and tuneful
Yes, she’s Venus, Aphrodite

You are nothing like her
Your beauty is deprived
With homely facial traits
And small and humble body
Still, you move so proud and strongly
Your pride is your high heel
Your voice is not a tune
But tremendous even so
And you have eyes of sparkle
Full of mind and heart
A smile filled with spirit
That’s hard to pass unnoticed

Albeit, her eyes are empty
And smile is but a hint
You are not a beauty
Yet, you’re beautiful inside

Submitted on 2007-07-05 04:02:51 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
Sorry, but im going to point of somethings that could be done better. Up to you if you wish to change them. It is after all, your poem.

She walks so tall
In her stilettos
And stands so shapely
In her body
She has round lips
Seducing men
And healthy hair
As['as' made no sense to me, just make it 'A'] women’s envy
Her skin is silk and satin
Her[Repeating 'she' three times grates on me] fragrance is a rose
Her voice[repeating is generally not okay methinks] is soft and tuneful
She’s Venus, Aphrodite [may a suggest putting an 'or' in there? Just sounds incomplete as is]
Albeit, with empty eyes
And smile is but a hint[too wordy and just doesn't sit right, maybe just change it to something like "Smile but a hint" Short and punchy is better]

You are nothing like her
Your beauty is deprived
With homely facial traits
And small and humble body [repeat of 'and' use a comma instead]
Still, you move so proud and strongly[get rid of the 'so' I reckon, it's clunky the way it is]
Your pride is your high heel[I actually don't understand this line sorry]
Your voice is not a tune[again repeating, also maybe 'in' instead of 'a']
But tremendous even so
And you have eyes that sparkle[im just going to rewrite this and the next three lines so they flow a little better. Just my suggestion remember]
Filled with mind and heart
A smile touched with spirit
So hard to pass unnoticed
You are not a beauty
But you’re beautiful inside[honestly the ending just doesn't do it for me. I don't have any ideas of what would sorry. It just doesn't have any emotion whatsoever in it]

Ok so those are my thoughts, take them or leave them as you please.

Seriously though, I think this could be a pretty cool poem if you work it over, get feedback off as many people as you can, and just keep chipping away.

Hope this helped somewhat :p

~Keiran~
| Posted on 2007-07-05 00:00:00 | by Keiran | [ Reply to This ]

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